not[INK].

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

2011-06-20T22:05:00.000+08:00

Moving to

http://ofvowelsandconsonants.tumblr.com/

See you there! <3

Inked. Etched. Expressed.

2011-06-20T02:42:00.002+08:00

Every now and then, I will write to my Daddy. Of course, these are nonreciprocated written letters. But they are nonetheless therapeutic as it is renders the illusion of a conversation. When you think about it, it is pretty intriguing how reality is but a self-conception of what is perceived as true and real. And personally, what is real, what is true, is what I FEEL are right and true.

And at this point of time; I feel that the dream I had this morning of you could be a real attempt of you trying to tell me that everything will be alright, and that you are still here and well, to remind me that today is Father's Day. Obviously, I could be reading too much into this, and it could be but an extrapolation and self deceit; but really? Does it matter, if feeling this way actually provides me with some consolation and comfort in your physical absence?

And as usual, every time I write to him, it places me in a position of retrospective introspection. This time, it brought me to a little over 2 years ago. After over a year since we last saw each other; I was fearful. I was afraid that I would forget. It might sound ridiculous to be forgetting somebody who has been a part of the past 16 years of your life. But in great physical distance, past memories are the only thing you might hold on to. And human memory is flawed; memories WILL fade like it or not, especially in absence of physical items that have the ability to reignite quiet memories. I was not afraid that I will forget his looks; I have photos to remind me of that. I was afraid that I will forget his cologne scent, the warmth of his embrace, the sound of his voice. Most of all, I was afraid that I will forget that I am his little gurl. That I am always loved. That we were the center of his world. I was afraid that I will forget that at one point of my life, there were people who loved me regardless of my flaws, that poured their heart and soul into raising me and making the best individual that I could be. I was afraid that I will forget the advice he gave me, the teachings he taught me, the values he instilled in me. I was afraid that I would forget who I am; in times of lost and despair, grief and darkness, this is a valid fear.

Small Sorority, Big Sisterhood.

2011-06-15T03:34:00.001+08:00

Conference has been a very interesting eye opening experience to say the very least.

I truly appreciated the experience and am glad that the Active house got to experience it first hand. We definitely feel more informed and would be better prepared for next conference. Most importantly, we are more motivated to strive harder to continue reestablishing our presence on campus, and going above and beyond our goals and expectations as Eta Chapter.

Business aside, what really struck a chord in my heart during conference was just seeing how passion driven people are. As I was sitting in the conference room with my line sisters by my side, and searching for familiar faces in the room, and as my eyes scanned throught the people sitting at the front (National Board members); I thought to myself.. wow. These ladies here; some drove for many many hours, many flew from coast to coast, just to be here today to honor what our Founders has set 17 years ago. It was especially humbling to see how passion driven these ladies are. Not only are they not receiving any monetary payments of any sort, in fact, having to fork out money to be here today; being in the sorority definitely requires a lot of sacrifices but money is the least of any of our sacrifices; it is the time and effort put into embracing and living up to the title of Ladies of Alpha Phi Gamma, and striving to better our sorority all the time. We may be from different chapters, but we have a common bond; our Sisterhood solidified through our experience. Our shared passion for what our letters stand for. These ladies are paid in terms of intrinsic rewards; the satisfaction from wanting to serve and give back to something that has impacted their lives positively. This, you know is genuine. And just to know, how much of an impact APhiG has on girls across the nation, truly humbles me.

Yes, there is no doubt that every chapter has its own set of unique challenges and experiences, but to know that we have these experience as a result of one common thing; APhiG - that is what this is all about; solidarity within diversity, bracing through adversity for something that we have grown to love and care about. :) Seeing people finding passion in something, not only through the sorority, but with any other organization/ endeavour in life NEVER fails to put a smile on my face. It is the sense of belonging and the sense of purpose found through such endeavours that warms my heart :)

Confessions.

2011-06-03T07:18:00.000+08:00

I wish I could believe you when you tell me that I am beautiful.

But when I look into the mirror, I see not beauty. All I see is failure, disappointment and hurt. How did I let myself slip and become this way? Looking at myself is a reminder of my pains, and my failure at coping with my hurt. At my vulnerability, my weakness, my lack of self control. I have been avoiding looking at mirrors since I came here. I do not like what I see. And you know what's funny and silly? I dislike it so much, I prefer not to have my contacts in because I'll see it all the better, which just adds to my loathe and despair in my heart. Pathetic I know.

I truly believe that your external appearance is a projection of your inner beauty. It doesn't matter how you look on the outside, but if you are at peace and happy inside, it will shine in your eyes and smile. There will be a spring in your walk, a light in your eyes and an unspoken but heartfelt beauty.It the type of content and love you have for yourself that when you look in the mirror, you can truly smile and NOT be upset in anyways.

I long for a day that I will be able to do so. To just be happy with the way I am. But for now it is still a struggle. Not only the way I look, but the way I feel about myself.

Learning to forgive yourself is a long journey. Learning to love yourself is a never ending one. Learning to live with the consequences of your decisions.. That's a tough one.

Alpha Phi Gamma Sorority Inc. Eta Chapter - It's not a struggle, it's a fight.

2011-05-29T03:21:00.002+08:00

Mizzou has a really strong and long standing of Greek Life. Being the oldest and largest Greek system in the USA, we pride in having 28 IFC chapters, more than half of PHA with 14 chapters and that all Divine 9 chapters have chartered at MU as part of NPHC. Unfortunately, we only have 2 multicultural chapters as part of MGC.

To understand the stark difference in MGC size compared to the other Councils, we must first understand the diversity of MU and perhaps Missouri in general.

With close to 80% white/European American/non Hispanic students; MU is a predominantly white university with black/African American students coming in as the second largest racial group with a little over 6% of its students population. Combined, the Hispanic/Latino and Asian population make up less than 5% of the student population. Similar propotion can be projected for the entire population of Missouri; 81% white, 11.6% black,3.6% Hispanic/Latino and 1.6% Asian.

With that, it is no surprise that Alpha Phi Gamma is not only the sole Asian-interest sorority at MU but also the only Asian-interest Greek chapter at MU and the rest of Missouri. In other words, APhiG is the ONLY Asian representation in Greek Life at MU and perhaps the rest of Missouri.

As a sorority that is selectively small in size and relatively young at MU (re-chartered in 2006), it has been a challenge trying to be taken seriously by the MU community as an Asian/multicultural sorority. Needless to say, as one half of the Multicultural Greek Council aside SAEPi, the Jewish sorority; it has been difficult trying to gain a strong presence in Greek Life itself.

"Workers of the world, unite!" - History in the making

2011-02-17T22:25:00.003+08:00

Some say that it is history in the making. It is such a powerful video with a very moving content. Having studied Marx in class, I sometimes still find it hard to wrap my mind around how true his words rang even to this day..

I followed the Tunisia revolt more than I am following the Egyptian revolution but seeing the chain of events - the domino effects triggered by a desperate young man who set himself on fire as a result of an oppressive government, one quote from Marx keeps coming into mind..

“The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles”

As an Arabic country, Tunisia is hailed as a “moderate” and “progressive” nation by the Western world but this stature did not come without a price. In exchange for "modernity" and "progress", a majority of the people was forsaken. The nation suffered great social inequality; regional disparity in distribution of wealth, perverse unemployment rate especially among youths and limited freedom in the form of political oppression. Desperate and frustrated by wealth and power being concentrated in the hands of the few, the people revolted as predicted by Marx. The struggle among the proletariats will eventually lead to a revolution to oust the bourgeoisie.

To myself.

2011-02-16T07:28:00.000+08:00

You now what hurts more than failure? The fact that you vow to learn from it, but find yourself making the same mistake again.

You think that going through a painful experience several times would have opened your eyes and taught you to be smarter and less naive, but when situations come, then you see yourself walking down the same dreadful path. And it is so hard to leave.

Especially when it comes to the matter of the heart.

It is the kind of disappointment that makes you wish that love did not exist. The kind of hurt that makes you want to hide behind a fortress so thick to barricade yourself from potential lovers. The kind of pain that kills the trust and faith you have in people, in love.

I am the kind of girl who believe in love at first sight, who would not get into a relationship unless I knew he were the one I'd spent my entire life with, I believe in the sacredness of a holy matrimony, I believe in loving a person for their soul beyond their looks, I truly believe that there is such a thing as a soul mate.

I saved my first kiss, my first "I love you", my first heartbreak and I am still saving myself for the one.

But after my first relationship, my last relationship, I learned that the one isn't always the one at first try.

What we had was beautiful. We learned so much from each other. He taught me to love unconditionally and made me realize that while love is essential, it is not the only foundation to a relationship. Our relationship was filled with laughter, tears, hope and love. So much so that just the thought of being apart killed us inside. We've parted ways for about two years now and I still think of us occasionally. Not because I miss him or that I am still in love with him, but because what I learned from our relationship was so profound, it was life changing.

so soothing and heartbreaking at the same time.

2011-02-14T12:29:00.000+08:00

two most debilitating words in my life right now.

"If only."

Out of sight but never out of mind.

2010-12-26T11:05:00.000+08:00

Dear Daddy,

Today is your 5th anniversary. I helped cooked like how I used to, I ate like how I always did, I baked like how I always wanted to, and I watched your favorite movie, just without you.

There hasn't been a day that gone by that I do not think of you, that I do not wish to for us to be together.

I hope I dream of you tonight.

I miss you and I love you Daddy. :)

xxx,

Vee.

My Perfect Sunday

2010-12-25T11:11:00.000+08:00

The food. The table. The smiles. The chit chats. The love. The family :)

I miss having family dinners with the family. Daddy cooks, mummy preps the house, the kids help out, the family laughs.

That is when the house is our home.

Appreciate and be grateful for the love and the family time that you share.

It is irreplaceable.

It is something I miss more than anything else in the world.

Have a Merry Christmas guys.

An AmeriMalaysian Tale

2010-12-21T02:58:00.001+08:00

Coming to America was definitely an ambivalent decision and a journey paved on mixed emotions. Settling in was more challenging than I expected it to be, and it was in those gloomy times that I doubted my decision more than ever. But like what most of you have told me, it's only a matter of time that I will get used to things, and be okay again.

Well, you guys are right.

Sure it took a lot of courage to face a depleting bank account, to bite your tongue and hold back your tears listening to a voice that is so soothing yet heartbreaking at the same time because it is a voice worn out with exhaustion but strong in her words and conviction. You feel so embarrassed ranting about petty problems, you feel your face grow hot, flushed red as she calm you down with wise words.. then you think to yourself, above all these hardships, she still is a level above the mess. But you see, she doesn't see it as a mess, nor does she view it as hardships. To her, it is merely life challenges. The salt to the sugar of life. That's when you smile and wipe your tears with a sense of gratitude in your heart for such an amazing mother.

It has been quite a journey (albeit it only being 4 months!) beginning with a rocky shaky start but now I can proudly say, that I have found my footing in this not so new, not as strange land! Gotten used to the education culture, to the speech pattern (omg. like you would not believe the lingo I've procured!), eating culture (cheese, pizzas, burgers, nachos, the ridiculous gargantuan size! urggggggggggghhhhhhhh. I'm such a fatty now), kinda know my way around (and by that, I mean from my apartment to campus ONLY) but the highlight of this semester; the highlight of me being in America is APhiG.

That's right. I pledged for a sorority and I am now a proud Sister of Alpha Phi Gamma. It's the best decision ever.

wishful thinking.

2010-09-23T06:44:00.004+08:00

Revisiting our memories through photographs reawakens the haunting grief that echoes in this hollow heart of mine.

Oh how I long to see you again,

to feel the warmth of your smile,

the touch of your hand that reaches to my heart,

the smell of your cologne that makes my heart skip a beat every now and then

and the sound of your affectionate voice that soothes my soul.

Nay.

How I long to just believe that you never really left.

"We are alone in this dark world, but less so when together."

- image and caption by Daniel B. Neill

((photograph edited by Vineeta; colors modified)

baby steps.

2010-09-21T12:14:00.000+08:00

One step at a time.

I'll get there.

Photography by Laura Fulmer.

call it by any other name, it still refers to the same entity.

2010-09-13T03:24:00.000+08:00

Religion to unite.

Religion, the greatest divide.

The solution is not lost even in time of chaos & darkness.
Probably more illuminated even.

Say it.

2010-09-12T04:20:00.000+08:00

Is it unusual that I am feeling rather ambivalent about being here?

I am doing what I love; learning and about areas of which I'm passionate about; Journalism, Social Sciences and to top it all off; I am so blessed to be in the presence of really lovely people. From my flat mates, to the international students and Malaysians (!!) I've met thus far. Settling in was made so much easier because of them. But adapting to the American culture requires a different narrative.

I really really do not want to sound ungrateful by illustrating a picture tinted by despair. Because I am anything but ungrateful, anything but in despair. I am just ambivalent. I am grateful and glad to be here. I do miss home but my heart doesn't desperately long to be there physically. I just think of home a lot. I like it here, but at the same time, realized how different the educational environment and social culture here is. By no means is it a negative thing, I just need more time to adjust to this new context.

Which brings me to the issue which has been my inner demon; my social ineptness.

Back home, it was difficult enough for me to integrate myself into social circles as I am impaired when it comes to emotional expression and a complete failure in conversation maintenance. I do not make friends easily as I want to be and I am not as pleasant superficially as I should be. And this flaw is further magnified in a society which vocal expression is highly valued. What is worse, is that my guard is even higher here in this new place which altogether make it even more difficult for me to express myself. This is my flaw. Being brought up in an relatively conservative Asian society which supposedly value introversion more should not be an excuse for my dysfunction. Because if it so, then how am I to explain my fellow Asian/Malaysian/International peers who are let it be natural, or learned social butterflies? I am just complacent and overly self aware. And it is detestful. Too many a times, after a social encounter; I smack myself in the head (figuratively) for not asking or saying what I should have or wanted to know! I am just that bad. I probably score a D for interpersonal communication in practice.

One of the things that I have learned from a fellow Malaysian (whom is an absolute darling) is that being here or in any other new social setting; we have to learn to go all out. Be that bigger person and make that first effort. Take that first step in getting to know somebody. Go all out, and voice your opinions in class and never let self-ridicule be the barrier.

Those words are familiar to me as I tell myself that and the logic is comprehensible however they resonate more when told by another. I suppose having somebody else share the same notion reaffirms your stance and therefore making it more profound.

But it will take time for me to fully embrace and practice it.

Being here, compels me to this steep learning curve. I have much to learn. And it is more than just learning how to adapt myself to this different culture. It is about learning how to be more confident in myself. It is about learning how to love myself more. How sometimes, being so hard on myself is more detrimental than helpful.

So am I happy here? Well, not yet.

Am I sad? No.
I am waiting. No, I am trying.
And I will succeed in being happy.

It is a certain hollowness that haunts me. But it will soon be filled with colorful pictures and I will be able to smile from inside my heart and tell you; that I am truly happy and I have found my purpose - that I have grown.

I am that I am

2010-09-10T12:05:00.001+08:00

like a summer kiss.

2010-09-04T14:46:00.001+08:00

Every once in a while, I am overwhelmed by warm emotions. Such warmth that never fails to make me smile from my heart.

And this time, I feel as if this warmth are notes of your prayers and thoughts about me. Call it self indulgence to think that others are thinking of me or even missing me, but it still leaves me going to bed feeling all warm and fuzzy inside with a BIG smile on my face!

So much love!

I miss you guys too! teehee.

some truths are universal.

2010-08-30T12:13:00.000+08:00

"The latent causes of faction are thus sown in the nature of man; and we see them everywhere brought into different degrees of activity, according to the different circumstances of civil society. A zeal for different opinions concerning religion, concerning government, and many other points, as well of speculation as of practice; an attachment to different leaders ambitiously contending for pre-eminence and power; or to persons of other descriptions whose fortunes have been interesting to the human passions, have, in turn, divided mankind into parties, inflamed them with mutual animosity, and rendered them much more disposed to vex and oppress each other than to co-operate for their common good. So strong is this propensity of mankind to fall into mutual animosities, that where no substantial occasion presents itself, the most frivolous and fanciful distinctions have been sufficient to kindle their unfriendly passions and excite their most violent conflicts."

- James Madison's Federalist #10

So profound this excerpt was to me especially in reflection of the volatile political situation that is plaguing many parts of the world specifically between Malaysia and Indonesia. And of course, within my home country as well.

Intriguing to see the concepts formulated in 1787 could survive through time and still hold truth a century later.

simpler than you think, more complicated than we wished it to be.

2010-08-30T02:55:00.000+08:00

Personal response to Zhong Yang's "Am I living it right?" post and published with his permission.

If only we could live in a free society without any fence enclosing it. Instead we are given these man-made walls of expectations that seem like it was built to dampen our spirits and limit our capabilities more than encouraging it to expand.

I suppose such an utopia can exists within the realms of ignorance, unfortunately for us, we are blessed (or cursed) with a double binding, double edge sword of consciousness and self awareness.

As beings of a relatively higher sense of self awareness, it is only with time and life experiences that we will question ourselves of our sense of being – who we are? What is our purpose here? What do we want in life?

It comes a point in almost every person's life to reach that juncture of self doubt. And the process is accelerated with the mental maturation due to exposure to the certain environment and people whom consciously or subconsciously, see you through the lens that projects you as a person with the potential of a great many things. Such expectations, such pressure if you may call it, would only act as catalyst for the planting of the seed of conflict within anybody's heart. And it is a conflict between what is expected, and what you think you may want in life.

The thing about having this set of roles expected of you, or this piece of mould that you are suppose to take after, is that you will have this thought that you could be contented with a life that is well, by society's standard, lesser well off that what you could achieve. Ever thought that perhaps such an idea is only a result of knowing that you would not actually take such a road therefore, such a fathomable fantasy is possible? And even seem lucrative due to its elusiveness?

You will think to yourself “Isn't earning a decent living, and living a comfortable life enough? I don't need such fame, such recognition, and such money to be happy. Right?” True. If that is what you want, and that is how you lead your life. Because if that is what you really want, you wouldn't question it just as much.

Being creatures of association or members of the larger society, we are compelled to conform (despite our self proclaimed individuality) to the ideas of the mainstream in order to survive. It is almost inevitable as it is a mechanism of survivability – adaptability. That is why we care so much of how others may perceive us. As much as we want to think that the opinions of others about us do not matter, their feelings towards us, and caused by us, matters. If you are adamant in thinking that you live not by the expectations of others, well you still live by your own expectations you impose on your very self. You may not be too bothered about your obligations to others but you have an obligation to yourself.

That is why you feel the need to explore your fullest potentials and “reach for the stars”. Perhaps you want to live your life and at the end of the day not have that tinging sense of regret in your heart. But then, there will also be the question of “is this all worth it?” so should we maximize what we've got? Or just be most efficient about it by just putting in adequate energy and time and lead a fairly comfortable life?

In the end, ask yourself this question “what makes me happy?”. I don't know if it will work for you. But for me, what makes me happy is knowing that I have done my best within my capabilities and knowledge that I have not disappointed my family. Surely, I could have just quit studies and be the wandering free spirited social worker. But I wasn't courageous enough to do so. But more importantly, my obligation to myself is to prioritize my family's happiness and well being. And while I may be just as happy dancing to that bohemian rhapsody, and I am sure my family will support me nonetheless in my pursuit of happiness; I know that I would not be able to provide them as I should or as I could should I continue pursuing my initial goals in life. And that is unbearable to me.

[Now, I am not proposing a rather hedonistic solution to this (although, it would certainly be much easier) but rather try to dwell within the core of who you are and what is it that you really want, from yourself. The answer is more often than not, much simpler than we perceive it to be.] paragraph added on to the original piece.

It was less difficult of a choice when I am certain of what is it that I want. It may not be a specific goal, in fact it is based on a very broad principle; fulfilling my obligations as a daughter and sister. And I am not sure if this is due to cognitive dissonance or not, but I do want to explore my so called “potential” and see how far my efforts can take me.

We are all driven by different engine of motivation. Mine; family. Yours? Well, it's yours to know. In the end, we just need to figure what is at the core of our hearts to receive better guidance in our life choices. And be happy with it because it is a choice we made albeit the chilling effects of external entities.

I really don't know if I actually, well offered competent opinions or just went round and round and made no sense? -.- either way, this is what I think. For now. :)

Beating myself up for leaving you at home.

2010-08-28T13:43:00.002+08:00

Tell me, what is this that I am feeling?

Is this what you call loneliness?

Is this how it feels like to be homesick?

Or is this merely boredom?

Or is this the unsatisfactory feeling I get from unanswered questions?

Is this the disappointment that lingers from not having my emptiness removed?

I seek solace in words. Or at least I try to. But in vain. For this feeling still wraps my heart.

....

This calls for MUSIC! I miss my iPod!!!!!

parchment.

2010-08-28T13:32:00.001+08:00

I want to write. I really want to. But I have spent the last few hours sitting in front of my laptop from when the sun was shining bright in this summer day then going down and now Night is on its shift and my warm room light lends its company.

I started one post only to erase the words into oblivion and then attempted again but to no avail. I wish to record my experience here in America thus far. Unfortunately, I do not know why I am unable to do so. Oh it is certainly not because there isn't anything to share, because it is beyond that. I suppose, again and again, I find great difficulty at expressing myself. Even now in America pursuing journalism, writing is still a great hurdle for me. Confidence in my writing at least. And confidence is everything.

So instead of continuing with my initial post, I ended up reading the blog of a prominent journalist, and blog hopping from one blog to another. I ended up reading rather than writing. And I really want to just retire to my bed, but the innate need for me to know that I am not giving up on writing compels me to write, no matter how meaningful or how redundant my writings on nothing can be.

This is the problem with me. Or rather my expertise. I always manage to find the perfect excuse to escape having to complete a writing. Unfortunately I am afraid I would not be able to play escape artiste any longer for now I have no choice (or rather, it was my choice) but to meet Fear in her eyes and say " This is it". I am facing you. I will get rid of you. I will need to. Because I have to. Because I want to. And I will.

Coming to J-School is something I think I really want. Obviously, after all, journalism is what I am keen on doing. But exactly because I want to do it, I want to excel in it - I don't want to do it. I am afraid of the competition. I am afraid of the industry. I am afraid I do not have what it takes. I know my limits. And it is the knowledge that fuels my sense of worthlessness.

But this is why I am here right? To learn from the best, among the bright and most passionate aspiring journalists no?

If only I could feel like I am on par with the rest. Then perhaps I would be a little bit more optimistic about things.

**** this deserves an end. but i do not want to stop **** i feel a surge of misfits parcel of thoughts coming***

Being alone has allowed me more time for contemplation and self reflection. And from that, I realized that I have yet to fix my immediate goals and this leaves me... well, without an objective. And yes, this is how I function; I need a direct objective, a clear mission to work towards. For now, I am still outlining what I want to achieve during my years here in America. Until then, I would still be in this limbo.

Already I feel so apart from my friends and family. I know that we could definitely keep in touch but it stops there. As much as we can and want and would share, our lives has undeniable diverged. I may not be erased from your lives, but I very much am no longer part of it due to the distance. You can say that I will always be in your mind, in your hearts, and trust me that I take great consolation in knowing that or thinking that my importance in your lives hasn't quite diminished. I certainly do not want to be just another page in your lives. As selfish as I may sound, I want to be in your conversations even when I am away because that is the only way I feel my presence would still have a significant value in your lives. And just as much as I want that, I want to want to talk about you guys to new found friends too.

I suppose the bigger fear in me is that I will be the one who forgets. Apparently, I am master at being a complete ungrateful friend. Or that I am a natural at living as the sole actor of my own colorful world. I can do just that. Especially with a routine and I am already in a routine.

Inevitably, we will all change. What more in the duration of years! I do not know how I will turn out, I hope it is for the better. I don't want to forget home.

It is just crazy thinking how our lives now as friends, as family will now take a life on its own with each others absence. While the mere thought of me being absent or replaced pains me, I understand that this is life :) And should I mean as much as you mean to me; we will not grow apart in terms of relationship intimacy. Colors of our relationship may change, but the foundations of which they are built upon would remain the same.

To be honest, I am not much of a fan on how my blog has turned out. It has become an avenue of writings that are wayyy too emotional. In very simplistic term; it has become an emo blog. ohmygod!! what's wrong with me!? lol.

Well, I suppose it doesn't exactly paint a bright picture of my persona but perhaps this is because I can only write in such serious and somber mood to the extent of words taking a sometimes more mellow, more morbid tone. Over time, I assume that I will see a change in the manner of my expression as I am still learning how to express myself. I am still growing, and with that comes a sense of curiosity for what the future might bring.

I probably would regret penning down my thoughts now as I am still refusing to stop writing. Now I know that not many would follow my train of thoughts (not only because it is so scattered but because it serves no entertainment value whatsoever) but I know that at least one person would read this far.

And that person would be me.

I will review what I write as if I were reading the musings of another. This is how I learn about this other person I read about. This is how I capture and scrutinize her thought mechanism and decide whether or not she is sane or perhaps she is just a victim of excessive unnecessary overthinking.

I should perhaps stop now. Before I go on writing things I never intend others to know.

pig & the color orange.

2010-08-28T06:02:00.002+08:00

Wise temperance of the stomach is a door to all the virtues. Restrain the stomach, and you will enter Paradise. But if you please and pamper your stomach, you will hurl yourself over the precipice of bodily impurity, into the fire of wrath and fury, you will coarsen and darken your mind, and in this way you will ruin your powers of attention and self-control, your sobriety and vigilance.

- Bishop Ignatius Brianchaninov

I posses not such temperance.

Lack of self control and falling to such temptations are projections testifying that my body, my flaws, my surroundings are my masters.

Tiger Walk.

2010-08-24T12:44:00.003+08:00

It isn't always about the free food.

It is the sense of pride that comes with honoring years old tradition,

The glistening hope and sense of academic altruism,

Most of all, it is about the spirit of camaraderie and love for the University of Missouri-Columbia

That makes us Mizzou Tigers.

The Tiger Walk is Mizzou's beloved tradition whereby new students are to pass the Columns ( the surviving structures of a building burnt down a few years ago) and walk towards Jesse Hall, (into campus) symbolizing their entrance to Mizzou.

Raleigh.

2010-08-22T08:23:00.002+08:00

I realised from reading my previous posts how awful my state-of-mind was at that period of time. Most of them were actually, depressing. It was a time when my thoughts were in a turmoil, spirits at its low. A time when the future seemed bleak as the present was stagnant, repetitious, and well.. meaningless.

Being in Uni for over a year whereby I did nothing but immerse myself in studies, assignments, extracurricular demands really took a toll on my mind. I was so jaded with my routine that I couldn't see the reason why I was doing what I was doing. I doubted if journalism was the right choice. Learning lost its appeal to me. I basically could not see the purpose in life anymore (as dramatic as it sounds, it holds true nonetheless). Exasperated. Jaded. Lost. I needed to find myself again.

I needed to breakaway from my mechanical hectic life before I take a lunge off the building. And so I did. I put my studies on hold to participate in Raleigh International Borneo Expedition whereby for 10 weeks, I was "roughing" it out in the lovely Malaysian Borneo engaging in community and environmental projects. Not forgetting, a little outdoor adventure!

And to sum up my entire Raleigh experience? One word : Amazing.

I remember the night before my flight to KK where home was a madhouse. I chucked everything I think I needed in my rucksack while baking oreo cheesecake for my sister and settling some university applications. Sitting in the car, I was such a nerve wreck. I was not ready to leave. Yet, all I wanted was to get out from where I was. Not ready to go but desperate of being anywhere but here. (there)

Ultimately, Raleigh for me at that point (after my 3 months in Borneo) was the best decision I ever made. I needed that break. And with that decision, came the experiences which taught me a great deal about life, about myself. I reconciled with my inner doubts. Reaffirmed my shaken beliefs. And finally, came back with a more relaxed self.

The best thing about Raleigh, was not only how I discovered a part of Malaysia that I was ignorant about; it wasn't the sense of fulfillment I got from building those structures nor the gratifying rewarding sense of achievement when I completed that trek, but above all; it was the friends that I made.

The friends whom I have come to cherish.

Friends whom (yes, very the cliched) well, should be made to lifetime friends. They taught me many a things in ways they themselves do not realize. And for that I am grateful.

Being reminded that I've met them is the only consolation for me to ease the pain and sense of regret of all things lost due to my irresponsible premature departure.

- this post was drafted on the 24th of July 2010 but only posted today-

decided.

2010-08-21T13:41:00.000+08:00

The flaw in having so many options in front of you, is that you would be spoiled, if not greedy for more, therefore removing all clarity that you once hold. The lack of choices, prepares or rather compels you to make the decision between the limited choices that you are presented with. You learn to accept your situation and come to terms with the inequality. You may live with the snare of "what IF(s)" but the decision would be an easier one due to helplessness.

But with the abundance of options, you may just end up tormenting yourself with the dilemma of making the "right", the "better" choice. To not lose out on the possible highest yield of the decisions that you make. The awareness of the "road not taken" would be higher than in the former situation do you not think?

Like any other human true to their projected being; I am never satisfied with what I have. But I am grateful with what I am blessed with. Wait. Now that does not make sense. How can I still be grateful with what I have yet unsatisfied and always wanting more?

I say that I am grateful for everything. If so, then why is there this sense of tug in my heart silently asking the question "what if" and always envisioning the life of "if only"?

Is it because I do not even want that satisfaction to lend me that little room of complacency?

It was my decision to pursue Journalism (or try to pursue) in this school. I chose it over the better Universities, over the scholarships. Why? Because I thought it was worth sacrificing it for one of the best J-school in USA. Well, even writing that line, I cringe. I am trying to convince myself that I made the right decision, when I really know that I could have made a better decision. And my life would have taken a whole different route. A better direction ( that I am more convinced).

I do not know how long I will carry this sense of underlying regret and perpetuating doubt over my decision which basically turned the pages of this new life chapter of mine. And as I am coming into terms with my decision, for I am falling in love with the people, with the tradition, with the spirit of the Mizzou Tigers, I am crushed by the realization that the decision I made is still a risk. There is no guaranty that I would succeed. No guaranty that I would achieve what I thought I could achieve. And that is awful. Especially when my happiness and selfish wants and needs for an ideal education is at the expense of the ones whom I love.

I feel horrible.

Why did I put myself in such a situation? What was I thinking putting myself in such a competitive environment? No. What was I thinking risking the happiness of others for mine?

Because I thought I deserved it? Because I think that I have the potential to do great things, and all I need is the right fuel to mobilize towards that height? (not true either, for I doubt that I actually have all that "potential") Why couldn't I just settle for second best? Rhetorical. Because I could have settled for second best, eventually.

So why did I do it?

Simply because you believed in me. And you want the best for me. And for me, you are willing to sacrifice almost everything to see that I achieve what you think I am worthy.

I wish I could share your same vision and faith in my own capabilities. For that faith, is wavering under the constant self induced pressure.

But the decision has been made. And you have supported me from step one and beyond. Even though it most probably will cost more for me to complete a dual degree, you are willing to provide me with that opportunity. Would your sacrifices be justified? I don't know. I really don't. I can't say it for you because not only because I am not you, I also do not have the maturity, the experience, the honor to hold the role that you are.

But if I am a product of your teachings and life work, then I believe your sacrifices would be justified in exchange for my happiness and eternal gratitude to you. With my love for life and dedication in living life to the fullest, to continue to strive for the better. To see me happy, is all that you want.

And I am not giving you that if I continue to wallow in this pool of self-pity and self-doubt.

I will get out of it. Slowly but surely.

And I will make sure that your tears, that your sweat, your sleepless nights, your worries, your heartaches are all justified.

Disappointing you is not an option. Making you proud is what I live for.

I love you, more than I say it. And I am grateful more than I am willing to let you know.

not yet in control.

2010-07-25T04:38:00.000+08:00

The difference between want and need, is:

SELF-CONTROL.

Ignorance and complacency would be the answer.

2010-07-21T11:25:00.000+08:00

The beauty of not trying is that you will never find out.

It is a haven for those who fear knowing what the future could be should they have failed in doing/trying.

This fear, can be so overwhelming that it casts heavy dark shadows of doubt over yourself. The pervasive presence pushes you to the corner for the weak, for the coward. It pushes you to the comfort of ignorance.

I for one, am such a coward. And it is over something which I am apparently passionate about;journalism.

I know for a fact that my language and writing ability is lacking in great too many things. I know that I have much to learn and improve before I will be comfortable calling myself a journalism major. I suppose this is the reason why I do not write as much as I would want to, or should. As I fear the judgment. I do not want confirmation of my inadequate writing abilities.

Do I hate myself for not having the ability to express myself as fluidly as I wished? You bet.

Do I feel utterly defeated knowing that I do not possess comparable writing skills as many of my peers? YES.

Do I doubt myself on whether or not I have the potential to expand myself in my chosen career? Yes and in ways that cannot be imagined.

I am scared.

I am afraid.

It is indeed humbling to be know that I have been offered an opportunity to further my education in an institution that hallmarks on being the world's first journalism school and recognized as one of the best in US. But even so, I cannot deny that I painstakingly doubt my own capabilities.

Beyond the intimidation from the demanding nature of my choice of study and the competitive school I wish to attend, is the fear of not meeting with the school's standards. With MY standards.

I am my worst critic. I do not compete with others as much as I compete with myself. This is how I've been pushing myself thus far in striving to achieve my goals. My criticism, my self-imposed expectations have always been my motivation to excel since I left college, however it is also this need to meet my own standards that would be the destruction of me.

I am afraid.

I am scared.

Despite being a firm believer in humanistic values, it would still be ignorant of me to simply attribute one's success to personal qualities only and not acknowledge the significance of one's biological/genetic makeup. It would be even more ignorant of me to not put SES into consideration; that is the resources to mobilize your efforts towards your goal.

My concern now, is that I might not achieve my standards despite my efforts. Am I worried that my efforts would be wasted? Not quite. It is the realisation that I have to settle for mediocrity when mediocrity is all that I am left with. And mediocrity is not something I will tolerate for myself.

I wish to end this post with a positive note as to reassure myself that I will be alright. But I'd be only deceiving myself as the level of self esteem is still at its low.

I try.

2010-01-15T20:26:00.000+08:00

I keep a diary.

Not the type where you go "Dear Diary," but the type which you would scribble tasks, appointments and what not. If you know me, you would know that I am unable to function without the help of my self-writen reminders (which mind you, I make sure is colorful to make my hectic schedule a little more cheerful to live by)

I am so accustomed to writing everything down that I have grown a little too dependent on the diary. Some of you say, I am organized. That I am systematic. That I am a perfectionist. And that I need a personal assistant. But really, I am but all those.

I try to be organized with color coded appointments and to-do lists. I try to be a perfectionist in all that I do. The more I look at my diary, the more I think of stuffs I can write in it, to make my life seem busy. To feel more important. To feel less useless.

As I have been doing for the past 4 years, I am still trying to cramp in a little too much in my life. I try to do so many things at one go. I keep myself so busy that I hardly have enough time for most of my friends. Not enough time for myself.

I don't ask myself why. Cuz I know why. And I don't really need somebody to tell me that I have issues to deal with.

Yes, I am perhaps still trying to keep my mind off certain things. But it has become more than that.

I want to stop feeling useless. I want to stop feeling insignificant. I don't want to remain a mediocre.

I want for you to be proud of me. So that I can feel less ashamed of who I am and my limited capabilities.

I may try to organize my life the way I organize my activities in that diary, but it is really spinning quite out of control. Nothing is organized. Nothing is done.

I wanted a break so badly last semester to find myself again. And so I did. I needed time, I needed space. I needed a break from a routine. But where is my time, now that I have taken the liberty to put my studies on hold?

I am taking one semester off to do something I think it is for myself, to find a purpose in my life again.

But here I am. again. back at square one.

When I was attending classes, I wanted to escape books and exams. Now that I am home, I want to escape home. Not from my family - because trust me, what I truly want, is to be with my whole family once again.

Escape escape escape.

It's not uni. It's not home. It is reality that I want to escape from. I want to escape into a reality that is beyond the one which I live in now. Because what I truly want cannot be attained in this realm, at this point of time.

I want it so badly that it leaves my heart aching so so much.

See how pathetic I am? See how one diary could reveal so many pathetic layers of mine?

Will I be able to escape? Will I be able to get what I want?

As pathetic and as bleak things are to me, I trust, I believe, yes I will escape.

And I will get my answer. I will be whole again. All I need to do; is find it. And I will find it here - in myself.

Make believe.

2009-12-08T20:54:00.003+08:00

It's amazing how the mind tricks us to believe what we want to believe - how the mind perceives reality to accomodate our cognitive schemes, hence constructing the world of which we desire to be true but may be less than that.

But then again, isn't the world what we think of it?

Time is all I have. NOT.

2009-11-29T16:48:00.000+08:00

I find it funny that when one were to wait for you, they'd say "Take your time."
when really, I am taking THEIR time.

Or how when people give you time to think or do something.
If you were to give me time, wouldn't I have more than the 24 hours a day that I already have? (should I live another day)

What about "I will make time for you"?
If only it was possible.

If time could be made, I'll add another 20 hours in a day.
Then more time for me to deal with the seemingly never ending work load.

Time.

So funny lah.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

2009-11-03T22:58:00.003+08:00

Shouldering silent burdens.

Invisible mental obstructions baricade the soul from the world.

The emotional pressure presses down the grief-stricken spirit.

The smile..? the smile retreats back to its cold familiar abyss of darkness within the walls of unspoken memories.

Chin up. Eyes open. Windows closed. Mask on.

________________________________________________________________

I need a break.

I need to focus.

I need to set my life straight again.

I need to find my footing again.

I need a break.

~~I want quits.~~

*updated.

I need a REASON.

we just do.

2009-10-05T06:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, we find ourselves asking questions like:

How can I fall in love with a liar?

How can I fall in love with a cheater?

How can I love somebody who doesn't love me back?

How can I continue to love somebody who doesn't appreciate me?

Oh. But we can. We can fall in love with people of such.
Because love makes you do the craziest things.
Because we cannot exactly, entirely control who we fall in love with.
Because love knows no flaws, love bears no judgments.

The question we should be asking then, is what are we going to do now that we've fallen so deep?

-ism.

2009-09-24T02:47:00.004+08:00

"As often has Herman had witnessed the slaughter of animals and fish, he always had the same thought: In their behavior toward creatures, all men were Nazis. The smugness with which man could do with other species as he pleased exemplify the most extreme racist theories the principle that might is right."

- Issac Singer (1904-1991), Enemies, A Love Story

What started out as a test of mental discipline, turned into a conviction after watching a feature length documentary by Joaquin Phoenix about the interdependent relationships of us humans, with animals and nature. It is Earthlings.

I tried watching Earthlings again. And as before, I cringed and I paused the video several times including several 15minutes intervals (several times X 100!) before being able to continue watching it, even after watching it once before. It is too much for me to handle. I shut my eyes, turned away too little too often watching it. And yes, I cried. Those who read my previous blog, would probably read my post on this topic before, and here I am, for the second time sharing it with you guys. Hopefully, it'll enlighten you as how it did for me.

But watch it on your own discretion, for the content is indeed very graphic.

Part One : INTRODUCTION

Part two : PETS

Part three: FOOD

Part four : FOOD/CLOTHES

Part five : CLOTHES/ENTERTAINMENT

Part six : ENTERTAINMENT

Part seven : ENTERTAINMENT

Part eight : ENTERTAINMENT/SCIENCE

Part nine : SCIENCE/CLOSING

Part ten : CLOSING/CREDITS

Now, posting this documentary is not meant to dissuade you from eating meat or to pick up a broccoli and throw it at the next person eating a steak. I believe that most, if not everybody who watched even a segment of this documentary could at least agree, it is somewhat inhumane (although perhaps necessary) and just because I'm vegetarian, it does NOT mean that I deem myself holier than thou. It was my choice, as it is your choice to practise whatever diet or lifestyle of your preference, and I respect that. But I draw the line at eating exotic animals prepared "exotically" just for the "kicks" of it. Yes, I glare in disdain at these "adventure" seeking individuals.

To be fair, it is with most certainty that this documentary (or any video about the slaughter, torture or suffering of other living beings) will evoke powerful empathetic emotions (save you are mentally disturbed and devoid of the ability of empathy and compassion. In other words, you're a psychopath) however it must also be understood that in this ridiculously fast-pace, ever-growing demand market society we live in, what we saw in the video is almost unavoidable.

Now, before you throw carrots at me and calling me a hypocrite for actually showing somewhat of an allowance to such atrocity, please. Let me explain. Or try, for I myself sometimes find myself in between contradicting thoughts hindering me from taking a firm stand on this.

Eating meat for example. Of course there is a need to kill cows, pigs, chickens, dogs, dolphins if you want to have your burger, steak, kfc, hot dog and dolphin sukiyaki style. Where else do you think your meat comes from? As much as we probably hoped, no, they do not magically skipped the process of being killed before appearing to us readily, and much to our convenience without the gore on supermarkets display.

And for the animals to be confined in a relatively small area, well, with the lack of space and the dire need to meet the demand of our growing population, how else should it be done? Today, everything needs to be mass produced; clothes, toys, cars, and even food. And this is how it works as we face trade-offs in making everyday decisions. There are more mouths to feed today than 6 decades ago. Therefore, the need for more beef, pork, poultry and the likes. And in order to produced so much more in a shorter time, we need to produce through large scale CAFO (Confinement Animal Feeding Operations). I suppose it is necessary, in terms of economic gains, resource efficiency and what not. I think.

So while I cannot stand looking at animals getting slaughtered, I suppose I could understand the need for it. But what repulses me, what I abhor, is when we take joy in inflicting pain on these helpless living beings that we render weaker and at our mercy!

Honestly, I think that the system understands that animals do feel too, they do feel pain because they are living beings too, therefore, should we need to kill them, do it in the least painful and fastest way possible. However, I suppose due to ignorance, laziness, greed, sloppiness and even lack of compassion, some people just couldn't care less to adhere to rules that were set. And that I cannot swallow.

I suppose, a few of us would turn our heads away when it comes to talking about how animals are slaughtered. Perhaps it's a sensitive subject matter as it involves gruesome killing. And well, we wouldn't want to ruin our appetite, no? But for the food which we generally, often take for granted, we need to know where and how it came to be our meal. I don't think that we should plead ignorance any longer. Not only when it comes to speciesm, but in all aspects in life.

It is late.

And I am going to stop here for now (even though I only touched mostly on one fragment; eating/food)

Pets, clothes, entertainment, science, I'll cover another day. When I muster enough courage to finish watching Earthlings. And to do sufficient research.

Good night.

aren't we all.

2009-09-21T01:11:00.001+08:00

Words.
Just strings of letters, brought to life by blocks of sounds.

Speak it with passion,
it becomes conviction.

Speak it with sincerity,
it becomes praise.

Speak it with anger,
it becomes insult.

Speak it with sincerity, tinged with hope, and sealed with an expectation from another,
it becomes a promise.

Speak it without sincerity, tinged with hope, and sealed with an expectation from another but reeking in false pretense of a promise,
it becomes a lie.

And you are a master of deception.

Building somebody up with sweet promises and tearing it down with stinging lies.

But, they are all words, no?
Until you add to them a little bit of you.

pop 'em like how House pops Vicodin.

2009-09-20T10:33:00.001+08:00

My current addiction.

*
*
*
*

Kuih Bahulu!

I already had 10 in the past half an hour!

And for nostalgia sakes, these were my previous addictions.

*Upload fail : Too many images*

Okay, and I may have lied a little. They may still be my addictions.

looking out, at closed windows, in a dark room.

2009-09-20T08:03:00.000+08:00

God. The rythimic raindrops sings a tune that dances in my mind.

It's surprising how light the air feels despite the heaviness that presses down against me,

Even as it wraps around me, Air's icy fingers send chills down my spine,

Oh! If only it could lift the heaviness in my heart!

So chilly.. How I long for your touch to warm this frigid exterior of mine.

I want to melt in your embrace again.

I want to feel whole again.

But all I have now, is the heat of the tears that roll down this cheek of mine.

And as I curl under the safety of my comforter,

I wish that this rain will never stop.

And I will never wake again from my sleep,

Because there is where we meet, in my dreams.

BURT

2009-09-17T08:23:00.000+08:00

every now and then,

some things will trigger a certain repressed memory.

today as usual, was one word inked on somebody' wrist.

"God is Love" (1 John 4:8)

2009-09-12T15:27:00.000+08:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman, you are absolutely right.

Because I felt that way when I was in love. It twisted my insides out. It left me open to a stranger. The vulnerability, the insecurity, dragged me down to my knees. It left me afraid and lost.

But, it was also one of the most magical and uplifting moments in my life. I had somebody who could reach into my heart by just looking into my eyes. I could feel safe in his warm embrace. An embrace which melted the defenses I built for years. I could finally share who I really am, without the fear of being judged. I had somebody who accepted me for who I really was. Better yet, not only accept my flaws, but saw it as something beautiful. Cliche, no? But I think the most cliche statements, are often true and well, honest.

I loved who I was when I was with the person whom I loved. I love how he made me feel. I love how I found myself.

But personally, I think the best part about being in love was what it taught me. I learnt how to love unconditionally. I learnt to be acceptive of things, not only tolerant. I learnt to be more giving. I learnt to be more understanding. I learnt so much about myself than I ever did before I found love. I learnt that there was more to life.

I had a purpose. Life had a meaning. And that was to continue embracing love, and to love others.

Vulnerable? Of course. It is a price to pay for sharing yourself with others. It is the risk you need to take in exchange for that magical feeling. The one that makes you smile silly over the silliest thing. The one that fulfils the inner gap in you. The one that makes you believe that "Hey, life is beautiful."

And life is about choices. Life is about making choices. And with choices, comes risk. We risk something when we choose a certain option and from the other options we did not choose. (Opportunity cost? : ) ) So, if we choose to be happy, we need to forgo our negative thoughts. We probably need to change the way we think. Same, if we choose to stay within the lonely comfort of these walls we built within us, we risk not feeling love, and perhaps not being happy.

Of course, we can choose to live a life, devoid of love. It'll be exactly just that, in the strictest biological sense. We breathe, eat, sleep, move, living every hour till the very last minute of the very last breath drawn.; feeling almost nothing. Devoid from love and any other emotions/feelings. So as long as I don't feel this pain, I don't mind not feeling happiness anymore. It's mechanical. It's purposeless. Because we fear of getting hurt, we shield ourselves from things like love. We stop taking chances. It's amazing how far we would go just to run away from pain. Including, forgoing to live life where we have a reason to wake up in the morning, where we breathe in sweet life, and let the warm wind flirt with our cheeks, as the sunshine kisses our forehead and when the raindrops cloak us in loving embrace. Live life as if there is this great amount of colors waiting to burst out from you, whereby there is a happy skippy-springy momentum with every step you take and that your smile.. when your smile actually externalize the bliss in your heart.

If love is a "soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain", love is also bliss. A true bliss, the one that makes everything seem worthwhile. It is the reason why we're here.

But anyways, love isn't the pain. Love does not throw you into the abyss of darkness. The lover does. The rejection. The deceit. Not love.

And even though, the lover may not be forever, but Love is eternal.

Because love is all-encompassing.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

- Corinthians 13:1-13

And the more I think about it, the more I realized that the "dragging to my knees", the teachings, the fulfilment that I was fortunate enough to experience being in love? Was not actually, entirely, because of love. But it was because of the lover. Whom I was receptive of, because of love. Love came with him. He brought love with him. He was my teacher for that period in my life. And even though, we have come to our separate ways, it does not mean we stopped loving each other. It doesn't mean that because we do not end up in holy matrimony and in a fairy-tale-like eternal happy ending, that our love has failed. Because it did not. It served its purpose. Because in the end, it made us better beings. It helped shape our maturity to face the world and to prepare us for our next true love. Just because we are not involved romantically anymore, it does not mean, what we had was fake. Because I know for a fact that he was my first true love. And I am so ever thankful for that.

In the end, we learnt what we were meant to learn. And the love we shared was a bonus that came with the lessons.

So despite it all, despite how you may think love or the lover could make you feel, could "hold you hostage" and rob you of who you are, I think, that love actually helps you discover who you really are. And at this point, I mean it as love with your lover, with your parents, with your friends, with God.

So Mr. Gaiman, here is where I differ from you. Because I love LOVE.

self worth.

2009-09-11T12:07:00.001+08:00

One of the most debilitating questions you can ever ask yourself.

"What am I to you?"

technology makes us lazy. we're lazy, that's why we make technology.

2009-09-08T22:49:00.000+08:00

I wake up.
Roll off my bed and crawl to the bathroom.
Shower. Get ready for school.

I walk to my car.
Drive to uni.
Try to park nearest to the entrance.
Walk in.
"Hmmmm. I need to go to the office, guess I'll take the elavator up 3 floors instead of taking the stairs."
I take the lift down to class.

I sit in a fully air-conditioned enclosed room with electrically powered lightings, and chemically made writing materials.
Lunch?
Medan seems far. Drive perhaps.
Get back to uni.
Go back to fridge for lectures.

Classes end.
Drive home.
Drive to dinner.
Drive home.
Laptop, tv, ipod.

Bed.

And tomorrow is a brand new day.

Seriously, with so much of exercise that I do throughout the day, I wonder how I can put on so much weight?

time to grow up and start thinking.

2009-09-07T22:30:00.000+08:00

I love my country. Or at least, love it in the best way I know how.

And I think that it is absolutely unfair that many of us jump onto the bandwagon of irrational skepticism about Malaysia, far too easily.

How many times are we guilty of attributing some sort of flaw in our society to being the fault of 'Malaysia'? Take for example :

Some sort of censorship in music or cancellation in entertainment; "What do you expect? It's Malaysia-lah!"

Or being stalled in a traffic as people are slowing down to "kepo" on an accident; "Ish, Malaysians ah."

Or when casually asked if you were to return back home after completing studies overseas to work and serve the country; it will usually end with a negative, and then asked why; "Why should I? This is Malaysia, I cannot go far. I rather stay overseas and work there, better chance of becoming successful!"

Honestly, there has been far too many times whereby I receive comments such as "I'm sorry Vin, this is Malaysia. And Malaysia will never progress. We will remain a third world country" or the likes.

While I can understand that such a mindset was probably conceived by sentiments shared by the older generations, and by the reality that, we love to criticize our own country; I feel that at times (most of the times) accusations thrown at Malaysia or being Malaysian, are biased and immature.

It is as if such remarks are made out of habit or preconditioned attitude, instead of upon critical thinking and evaluation. Basically, an automated response without any thought being put into it therefore lacking of evidence or proper arguments to support such a remark.

I may not be the most patriotic of the lot, but it still saddens me to hear such remarks about Malaysia. Yes, I understand that such grievance could be a result of the injustice we face in this country. Well, our country is not perfect. I cannot deny that there are no corruption, I cannot refute that there are policies that I myself do not agree to, and I cannot pretend as if racial discrimination does not exist in our multiracial nation. Because to close my eyes from this Malaysian reality, is me being ignorant.

And to altruistically defend the idealistic, perfect Malaysia whereby it is free of racial discrimination and clean of corruption as depicted by the government, would be all too naive. To the point of being on the same platform as those who loves to hate this country, but just on different extremes.

Extremes. That is exactly our problem.

Now, situations I express in this post are based on my personal experiences and observations, and therefore unsuitable to use to describe MALAYSIA as a whole. But from what I know, heard and seen, most of us (my social circle) belong to the other end of "unpatriotic".

All we do is sit around mamak stalls, and complain about how messed up the system is, how corrupted and inefficient the government is and how bleak is the future of our nation. And complaining is one thing, CONDEMNING is another. I am simply repulsed by the latter. And to do either both, while not taking the initiative to at least try to make things better, isn't right, nor pleasant. Nor very mature.

And that's all we are going to be. A bunch of youth, sitting around, 'lepaking' and complaining, even condemning. We deserve the situation that we complained of because we are not doing anything about it. If we want change, we have to be that change. Because we want it, we have to work for it. And not hope or leave it to somebody else to do it.

Many a times, when I expressed sentiments such as these, I am rebutted with remarks such as "I am only one person, what can I do?", "Honestly, I don't care, I'm not gonna be here for long anyways" or even "You seriously think things can change for the better? Don't be so naive!"

Sigh.

The skepticism. : (

Okay, perhaps it is difficult to envision that we can make a difference in what seems like a long standing flawed institution, but it is not impossible.

I think we can start by erasing our sense of negativity and skepticism, to eradicate our love to hate our country. Stop focusing on the gritty nitty details of how hopeless Malaysia is, and try to see things objectively using our logic instead of following the opinions of the masses blindly without thinking analytically.

For instance,

Not ALL politicians are stupid.

Not everybody who undergone Malaysian education system are not capable of thinking.

Our freedom of speech is not completely non-existent.
(This topic alone will take a whole post on its own)

Not ALL Malaysian movies/music are rubbish.

Not ALL scholarship recepients are bumiputeras.

Not ALL bumiputeras who apply for scholarship would get it.

and believe it or not, our government does not equal to our country. We are our country.

Once we change our narrow mindset, and start thinking objectively, we've made a HUGE difference. Because with our minds opened, are we more open to progressive change. Pessimism does restraint us from moving forward. Not only in nation building, but character wise as well.

How are we to move forward if we keep thinking that we're backwards and that nothing we do will help us gain momentum?

Once our mentality has changed, so will our behavior.

Educating ourselves more about the nation affair, and the world,
being more proactive in this country either through constructive activities, intellectual discourse or the likes,

steps like these, knowing it or not, are building blocks to a better us, better society and ultimately better Malaysia.

A Malaysia that I have learnt to call my home.

And I love my home.

I love how I can sit at the mamak in the wee hours of the morning with my friends, yakking away.

I love how I as a Chinese, can also get a taste of Ramadan. Bazaar Ramadan I mean.

I love my education here in Malaysia, which is nurturing me to learn the world, and think globally.

I love how I can go to my favorite music store without fear of getting bombed at.

I love how I can enter a shopping mall without the fear of getting shot at by terrorist.

I love how I can still wear my favorite shorts, shirt and slippers out without being stoned to death.

I love it that I am able to be with my family living peacefully under one roof.

I love going for local music gigs and local productions.

I love how we can have Nasi Goreng Kampung, Nasi Goreng Cina and Nasi Goreng U.S.A. at the same place.

All in all, there are more things that I love about my home, than those that I dislike.

And, it's worth holding on to. Worth changing for.

here we go again.

2009-09-07T04:50:00.001+08:00

i'm back : )

and no, Pocket J was not deleted.

merely, hidden.

hidden because i no longer feel that it represents me at this present moment.
it represents the past.
and somehow, for some reasons unknown (or rather, i choose to leave it unknown),
i want to keep it only to my eyes, and nobody else.
perhaps, maybe, it's because i want a fresh start.
maybe, it's because i want you guys to read with no pre-determined mindset of who i am/was.
basically, wanting to be read with an open heart and mind, without prejudgment.

so, if it's a fresh start that i want, why not delete the former blog into oblivion and create a new cyberspace "me"?
well, call me a sentimentalist if you may.
because even though i attribute my previous blog as a collection of the past, and another chapter of my life closed,
i acknowledge that it is a collection of former life experiences which led me here,
on this continuous journey to self discovery and life.
it holds the stories of life that my current being is built and evolved upon.

just because i've grown and perhaps changed in thoughts and perception, it does not mean that who i was is not a part of who i am now.

and i still want to be reminded.
i still want to look through the pages of which i once passionately poured my thoughts and love into.
and i may want bring it back to the surface again once in a while.
just because it is the past, it doesn't mean it ought to be forgotten or forsaken.

as always, i know that i will uncover different meanings once i revisit my previous self.
rediscovering myself.

and so, welcome again.
not to a new blog, but merely a continuation of where i left off.

can't blame a girl for trying again, no? : )