BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Moving to

http://ofvowelsandconsonants.tumblr.com/

See you there! <3

Inked. Etched. Expressed.

Every now and then, I will write to my Daddy. Of course, these are nonreciprocated written letters. But they are nonetheless therapeutic as it is renders the illusion of a conversation. When you think about it, it is pretty intriguing how reality is but a self-conception of what is perceived as true and real. And personally, what is real, what is true, is what I FEEL are right and true. 

And at this point of time; I feel that  the dream I had this morning of you could be a real attempt of you trying to tell me that everything will be alright, and that you are still here and well, to remind me that today is Father's Day. Obviously, I could be reading too much into this, and it could be but an extrapolation and self deceit; but really? Does it matter, if feeling this way actually provides me with some consolation and comfort in your physical absence?

And as usual, every time I write to him, it places me in a position of retrospective introspection. This time, it brought me to a little over 2 years ago. After over a year since we last saw each other; I was fearful. I was afraid that I would forget. It might sound ridiculous to be forgetting somebody who has been a part of the past 16 years of your life. But in great physical distance, past memories are the only thing you might hold on to. And human memory is flawed; memories WILL fade like it or not, especially in absence of physical items that have the ability to reignite quiet memories. I was not afraid that I will forget his looks; I have photos to remind me of that. I was afraid that I will forget his cologne scent, the warmth of his embrace, the sound of his voice. Most of all, I was afraid that I will forget that I am his little gurl. That I am always loved. That we were the center of his world. I was afraid that I will forget that at one point of my life, there were people who loved me regardless of my flaws, that poured their heart and soul into raising me and making the best individual that I could be. I was afraid that I will forget the advice he gave me, the teachings he taught me, the values he instilled in me. I was afraid that I would forget who I am; in times of lost and despair, grief and darkness, this is a valid fear.

Small Sorority, Big Sisterhood.

Conference has been a very interesting eye opening experience to say the very least. 

I truly appreciated the experience and am glad that the Active house got to experience it first hand. We definitely feel more informed and would be better prepared for next conference. Most importantly, we are more motivated to strive harder to continue reestablishing our presence on campus, and going above and beyond our goals and expectations as Eta Chapter. 

Business aside, what really struck a chord in my heart during conference was just seeing how passion driven people are. As I was sitting in the conference room with my line sisters by my side, and searching for familiar faces in the room, and as my eyes scanned throught the people sitting at the front (National Board members); I thought to myself.. wow. These ladies here; some drove for many many hours, many flew from coast to coast, just to be here today to honor what our Founders has set 17 years ago. It was especially humbling to see how passion driven these ladies are. Not only are they not receiving any monetary payments of any sort, in fact, having to fork out money to be here today; being in the sorority definitely requires a lot of sacrifices but money is the least of any of our sacrifices; it is the time and effort put into embracing and living up to the title of Ladies of Alpha Phi Gamma, and striving to better our sorority all the time. We may be from different chapters, but we have a common bond; our Sisterhood solidified through our experience. Our shared passion for what our letters stand for. These ladies are paid in terms of intrinsic rewards; the satisfaction from wanting to serve and give back to something that has impacted their lives positively. This, you know is genuine. And just to know, how much of an impact APhiG has on girls across the nation, truly humbles me. 

Yes, there is no doubt that every chapter has its own set of unique challenges and experiences, but to know that we have these experience as a result of one common thing; APhiG - that is what this is all about; solidarity within diversity, bracing through adversity for something that we have grown to love and care about. :)  Seeing people finding passion in something, not only through the sorority, but with any other organization/ endeavour in life NEVER fails to put a smile on my face. It is the sense of belonging and the sense of purpose found through such endeavours that warms my heart :) 

Confessions.

I wish I could believe you when you tell me that I am beautiful.

But when I look into the mirror, I see not beauty. All I see is failure, disappointment and hurt. How did I let myself slip and become this way? Looking at myself is a reminder of my pains, and my failure at coping with my hurt. At my vulnerability, my weakness, my lack of self control. I have been avoiding looking at mirrors since I came here. I do not like what I see. And you know what's funny and silly? I dislike it so much, I prefer not to have my contacts in because I'll see it all the better, which just adds to my loathe and despair in my heart. Pathetic I know. 

I truly believe that your external appearance is a projection of your inner beauty. It doesn't matter how you look on the outside, but if you are at peace and happy inside, it will shine in your eyes and smile. There will be a spring in your walk, a light in your eyes and an unspoken but heartfelt beauty.It the type of content and love you have for yourself that when you look in the mirror, you can truly smile and NOT be upset in anyways.

I long for a day that I will be able to do so. To just be happy with the way I am. But for now it is still a struggle. Not only the way I look, but the way I feel about myself.

Learning to forgive yourself is a long journey. Learning to love yourself is a never ending one. Learning to live with the consequences of your decisions.. That's a tough one.