Confessions.

I wish I could believe you when you tell me that I am beautiful.

But when I look into the mirror, I see not beauty. All I see is failure, disappointment and hurt. How did I let myself slip and become this way? Looking at myself is a reminder of my pains, and my failure at coping with my hurt. At my vulnerability, my weakness, my lack of self control. I have been avoiding looking at mirrors since I came here. I do not like what I see. And you know what's funny and silly? I dislike it so much, I prefer not to have my contacts in because I'll see it all the better, which just adds to my loathe and despair in my heart. Pathetic I know. 

I truly believe that your external appearance is a projection of your inner beauty. It doesn't matter how you look on the outside, but if you are at peace and happy inside, it will shine in your eyes and smile. There will be a spring in your walk, a light in your eyes and an unspoken but heartfelt beauty.It the type of content and love you have for yourself that when you look in the mirror, you can truly smile and NOT be upset in anyways.

I long for a day that I will be able to do so. To just be happy with the way I am. But for now it is still a struggle. Not only the way I look, but the way I feel about myself.

Learning to forgive yourself is a long journey. Learning to love yourself is a never ending one. Learning to live with the consequences of your decisions.. That's a tough one.