To myself.

You now what hurts more than failure? The fact that you vow to learn from it, but find yourself making the same mistake again. 

You think that going through a painful experience several times would have opened your eyes and taught you to be smarter and less naive, but when situations come, then you see yourself walking down the same dreadful path. And it is so hard to leave. 

Especially when it comes to the matter of the heart. 

It is the kind of disappointment that makes you wish that love did not exist. The kind of hurt that makes you want to hide behind a fortress so thick to barricade yourself from potential lovers. The kind of pain that kills the trust and faith you have in people, in love. 

I am the kind of girl who believe in love at first sight, who would not get into a relationship unless I knew he were the one I'd spent my entire life with, I believe in the sacredness of a holy matrimony, I believe in loving a person for their soul beyond their looks, I truly believe that there is such a thing as a soul mate.

I saved my first kiss, my first "I love you", my first heartbreak and I am still saving myself for the one. 

But after my first relationship, my last relationship, I learned that the one isn't always the one at first try. 

What we had was beautiful. We learned so much from each other. He taught me to love unconditionally and made me realize that while love is essential, it is not the only foundation to a relationship. Our relationship was filled with laughter, tears, hope and love. So much so that just the thought of being apart killed us inside. We've parted ways for about two years now and I still think of us occasionally. Not because I miss him or that I am still in love with him, but because what I learned from our relationship was so profound, it was life changing. 

I know what we had was love. Though it did not end up the way we both wanted to, I daresay we do not regret what we have. Hopefully, it has gained him maturity and for me, well, to be less idealistic I suppose. 

I saw myself as a person who had her guards up against the world. Trust, didn't come easy to me. I didn't let anybody in. But over the years, and after him, I did loosen up. I went out more. Became more easy going. Whether or not it is a good thing, well that still remains ambivalent to me. 

But after meeting guys whom I thought I knew, with whom I thought have built friendships with, I learned once again, that it isn't as simple as I thought it was. My ex constantly reminded me that people aren't always as they seemed, there was always an ulterior motive to them. I called him skeptical. I had faith in the benevolence and sincerity each person has rather than to doubt them. He called me naive. 

Well, he was right. And I learned the hard way. I've lost friends whom I thought I could trust. But really, I was blinded; they were never friends to begin with. They were people with other motives other than friendship. It made me question my self worth. And doubting yourself, I've learnt, is the fastest way to kill yourself.

And so, I thought I knew well enough not to be so naive. Oh how I am so wrong. 

But now come to think about it, I guess my disappointment stems not so much from naivety, but from hope and longing. I know well enough now as a young adult that people aren't always as they seem. But it doesn't grant me neutrality from being disillusioned from the hope that things might just work.

Being single for two years, it never occurred to me to need somebody in my life. I was fine, I took my time, learning more about myself, gaining my independence, searching for myself. But then the touch of a stranger brought memories flooding back. The warmth that was once my reason for smiling, once again filled my heart. And then I realized, I do miss feeling loved and cared for. I miss having somebody to pour my heart and soul into. 

And longing is not exactly the best feeling in the world. 

It is terribly easy to believe that perhaps the time is now, the person is here. Haha. But really, it is merely you yourself trying to convince yourself that you've found the one. You are in love with the idea of being in love once again. You crave the excitement, the colorful feeling of courtship. And when you realize that this could be but an illusion, you once again hurt and start hating yourself for being stupid again. 

But my dear, this also reminded you that  you have indeed learned from previous experiences and that it has alarmed you of your disillusionment. You reminded yourself that you do not hate love. That you have not lost faith in love. That you do not not want to be loved again. It cautioned you not to equate pain with love. It is not love that hurts, it is the rejection. It is not love that hurts, it is the lover. It's just that the time is not yet now. The person is not yet here. And when all is right, and when you are ready, somebody worth your tears, love, laughter, sacrifice, life will come. 

You are doing alright huns, and I love you. And my love matters more than the love of everybody else. Because if I don't love you, you have no right to love anybody else. And you would not be worthy of the love of others. Yes, Vineeta Tan, I love you. 

Learn to love yourself more. You are worth it.