An AmeriMalaysian Tale

Coming to America was definitely an ambivalent decision and a journey paved on mixed emotions. Settling in was more challenging than I expected it to be, and it was in those gloomy times that I doubted my decision more than ever. But like what most of you have told me, it's only a matter of time that I will get used to things, and be okay again.

Well, you guys are right. 

Sure it took a lot of courage to face a depleting bank account, to bite your tongue and hold back your tears listening to a voice that is so soothing yet heartbreaking at the same time because it is a voice worn out with exhaustion but strong in her words and conviction. You feel so embarrassed ranting about petty problems, you feel your face grow hot, flushed red as she calm you down with wise words.. then you think to yourself, above all these hardships, she still is a level above the mess. But you see, she doesn't see it as a mess, nor does she view it as hardships. To her, it is merely life challenges. The salt to the sugar of life. That's when you smile and wipe your tears with a sense of gratitude in your heart for such an amazing mother. 

It has been quite a journey (albeit it only being 4 months!) beginning with a rocky shaky start but now I can proudly say, that I have found my footing in this not so new, not as strange land! Gotten used to the education culture, to the speech pattern (omg. like you would not believe the lingo I've procured!), eating culture (cheese, pizzas, burgers, nachos, the ridiculous gargantuan size! urggggggggggghhhhhhhh. I'm such a fatty now), kinda know my way around (and by that, I mean from my apartment to campus ONLY) but the highlight of this semester; the highlight of me being in America is APhiG. 

That's right. I pledged for a sorority and I am now a proud Sister of Alpha Phi Gamma. It's the best decision ever.

Juggling between studies, settling in and pledging was definitely a challenge; and a tumultuous one too! But I dare say that it is precisely because of the immense stress and workload, that I emerge from it as a more confident person with such great appreciation and pride in that I have accomplished together with my Sisters. These six girls are remarkable in their own individual way and with them, I have learned a great deal about myself and about being a better person. They bring out the best in me while compensating my flaws. I’ve learned of the good that being in a supportive environment brings, and the intrinsic reward that the act of giving/selflessness grants.

But being in a Sorority has also given me a taste of how pervasive stereotypes perpetuated by media can be. More so than being an Asian or rather non-white in an erroneously perceived/projected WHITE America - though it irks me more facing such ignorance. I have more patience and empathy answering questions of whether or not Greek life is like those portrayed in the movies; you know, the drinking, the partying, the promiscuity, the hazing, and the whole shebang. Because.. Well I held such stereotypes once a upon a time and the questions were asked in earnest curiosity and not in a condescending snobbish tone.  Well guys, being in a sorority (or at least with APhiG) is all but that. I dare not vouch for other Sororities but if the stereotype is true, then I must say that Alpha Phi Gamma is unique in its objective, its practices and its values. That’s why I decided to pledge for APhiG – it is about giving a minority a stronger voice, about raising Asian Awareness , it is about women empowerment through scholarship, through our philanthropy against domestic violence and most importantly, it is about the Sisterhood that we build, we maintain, we appreciate. We learn and strive to be better to be able to be there for our Sisters. It is really a conducive, nurturing, supportive environment that we have built.

The extent to which people would go for something they are passionate about has never failed to amaze me and I have seen some very passionate people through the Sorority, about the Sorority and what it stands for. Being in a Sorority has also opened up my eyes and experience (consciously) the mechanism involved in maintaining the social order of a particular institution; the border work, the maintenance, the performance. But of course, I have my Social Psych course to thank for as it equipped me with the knowledge and consciousness to access and evaluate such social interactions. Omg. I'm such a nerd. Who knows, this could be a senior thesis? Greek life? Mmmmm.

BUT ANYWAYS, speaking about being in America, I have FINALLY established a concrete pet peeve…. People viewing Americans as being solely WHITE and therefore rendering other Americans i.e. Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Native… as LESS American. What's irks me more is how people view the white race as being more superior than non whites.

Q: Who you hanging out with?

A: Owh, just some of my friends..

Q: American?

A: Yeahps.

Q: Ang moh lah?

A: Hmmm? No lah. Asian. Half Asian.

Q: owhhh… (tone noticeably indicates less interest)

As if being Asian/non-white makes you less qualified to be American, when America is all that you know, is the place you've been brought up in. You speak American, you dress American, but you just don't look American and that's why you're not American by blood.  It is like telling me that I am not Malaysian because I am not Malay. It gets me so much up to the point that when people ask me whether or not I prefer an American boyfriend, I ask in return; American or White?

Before coming to America, I never realized how strong and "normal" it has become to think that being American means being white. Which is totally understandable considering how white supremacy has been institutionalized for centuries.  And it is not only maintained by the European/Anglo Americans but also by the non-whites. I have heard remarks made by non-white Americans that equated real Americans as white.

Obviously this has led me to think what does it mean to be American, what does it mean to be Malaysian, what does it mean to be Chinese. Is genetics the benchmark of racial identity or culture? By blood, I am Chinese but over here in America, I am seen less of a Chinese by the Chinese from China because I do not speak my mother tongue,  and because English is my first language, and I speak Malay. So if I am isolated because of my language; does speaking English make me English?

In Malaysia, I identify myself as a Chinese, in America, I identify myself as a Malaysian. Why? Classification by cultural heritage. Back home, we identify ourselves by our racial/ethnic identities, here, people identify us by our country of "origin".  And to be honest, I may view myself differently from Chinese from China though genetically, we are "same". Why? Because growing up in Malaysia has rendered me an identity unique to my ancestral heritage. Instead of a homogenous environment, I was exposed to such the diversity that Malaysia prides upon. Though I understand, appreciate and probably practice the Chinese tradition that both China nationals and I share, there are stark differences that cannot be ignored. In that sense, I am NOT Chinese, and I am Chinese at the same time.

But you see, such racial identity questions didn’t really bother me when I was back home because in Malaysia, though I see myself as a race different from the others, I do not see myself being less Malaysian. Some of my more cynical friends from home might be jumping in their seat now, and can go on about how being the minority race cost us inappropriate discrimination and unfair treatment by the Malay supremacist government. But really guys, I never really took to heart such "discrimination", let it be outright exclusion or opportunity hoarding, I am very optimistic about my country and I do have the desire to return home. And I never deemed Malaysia = Malay. Malaysia = Malay+Chinese+ Indian+ Kadazan+Iban+dll………………...

That's why in America, this issue of identity really bothered me.. After all America = White.  Padahal, vinnie bukannya rakyat Amerika pun. Tsktsktsk.

If I were a 2nd generation Asian American; most probably, I won't be able to speak as fluently in my parents' language (probably not at all even, look at me now!), I wouldn't be practicing our traditions, I would be bred in an American way…. So I won't have enough Asian cultural knowledge to be Asian and I'm not white enough or at all, to be American.  So.. What would I be then? Aptly labeled as Asian-American when my fellow European/Anglo American friends have the luxury to not have to hyphenate their racial/national identity classification.  Most often, this distinction goes unnoticed because it is perpetuated by our daily ignorance - we take it for granted that we view Whites and normal, and everything else colored as different.

In today's world of globalization, of a borderless world; this issue of identity will come into question more often. Being a pure blood, or a "pure" homogenous culture will cease to exist, all too soon. You will not be able to identify somebody through superficial means anymore because behind the color of the skin, the color of your eyes, lies your life in your country of origin, in your upbringing, in your ancestral heritage, in your education; all of which, may be from different source like say Chinese by blood, raised in Malaysia, educated in America and probably settling in Africa.

For some reason, I feel rather passionately about the issue of racial identity since I came here. And between Greek life and racial identity for a senior thesis; the latter in a heart beat. 

ANYWAYS, see how I digress? On a side note, if you think Malaysian radio stations are repetitive in their songs, try America. I've been listening to the same few songs since I woke up! Katy Perry's Fireworks, Bruno Mars' Grenade, Taio Cruz' Dynamite, that G6 song and that Kesha song..

All in all, it has been a good 4 months, and expect to see more posts in the following weeks as I am on my winter break in Boston (Quincy really) Massachusetts, with more time at hand than I ever had since semester started. :D

PS: Whatever opinions expressed here are based on author's personal, biased, narrowed view as a result of being a Malaysian Chinese student in America. Flawed and erroneous, it is her stream of unfinished and probably uncalculated thoughts (and unfounded too) but not directed to offend anybody in anyway. She apologizes before hand!