Say it.

Is it unusual that I am feeling rather ambivalent about being here?

I am doing what I love; learning and about areas of which I'm passionate about; Journalism, Social Sciences and to top it all off; I am so blessed to be in the presence of really lovely people. From my flat mates, to the international students and Malaysians (!!) I've met thus far. Settling in was made so much easier because of them. But adapting to the American culture requires a different narrative.

I really really do not want to sound ungrateful by illustrating a picture tinted by despair. Because I am anything but ungrateful, anything but in despair. I am just ambivalent. I am grateful and glad to be here. I do miss home but my heart doesn't desperately long to be there physically. I just think of home a lot. I like it here, but at the same time, realized how different the educational environment and social culture here is. By  no means is it a negative thing, I just need more time to adjust to this new context.

Which brings me to the issue which has been my inner demon; my social ineptness.

Back home, it was difficult enough for me to integrate myself into social circles as I am impaired when it comes to emotional expression and a complete failure in conversation maintenance. I do not make friends easily as I want to be and I am not as pleasant superficially as I should be. And this flaw is further magnified in a society which vocal expression is highly valued. What is worse, is that my guard is even higher here in this new place which altogether make it even more difficult for me to express myself. This is my flaw. Being brought up in an relatively conservative Asian society which supposedly value introversion more should not be an excuse for my dysfunction. Because if it so, then how am I to explain my fellow Asian/Malaysian/International peers who are let it be natural, or learned social butterflies? I am just complacent and overly self aware. And it is detestful. Too many a times, after a social encounter; I smack myself in the head (figuratively) for not asking or saying what I should have or wanted to know! I am just that bad. I probably score a D for interpersonal communication in practice.

One of the things that I have learned from a fellow Malaysian (whom is an absolute darling) is that being here or in any other new social setting; we have to learn to go all out. Be that bigger person and make that first effort. Take that first step in getting to know somebody. Go all out, and voice your opinions in class and never let self-ridicule be the barrier.

Those words are familiar to me as I tell myself that and the logic is comprehensible however they resonate more when told by another. I suppose having somebody else share the same notion reaffirms your stance and therefore making it more profound.

But it will take time for me to fully embrace and practice it. 

Being here, compels me to this steep learning curve. I have much to learn. And it is more than just learning how to adapt myself to this different culture. It is about learning how to be more confident in myself. It is about learning how to love myself more. How sometimes, being so hard on myself is more detrimental than helpful. 

So am I happy here? Well, not yet. 

Am I sad? No.
I am waiting. No, I am trying.
And I will succeed in being happy.

It is a certain hollowness that haunts me. But it will soon be filled with colorful pictures and I will be able to smile from inside my heart and tell you; that I am truly happy and I have found my purpose - that I have grown.