parchment.

I want to write. I really want to. But I have spent the last few hours sitting in front of my laptop from when the sun was shining bright in this summer day then going down and now Night is on its shift and my warm room light lends its company.

I started one post only to erase the words into oblivion and then attempted again but to no avail. I wish to record my experience here in America thus far. Unfortunately, I do not know why I am unable to do so. Oh it is certainly not because there isn't anything to share, because it is beyond that. I suppose, again and again, I find great difficulty at expressing myself. Even now in America pursuing journalism, writing is still a great hurdle for me. Confidence in my writing at least. And confidence is everything.

So instead of continuing with my initial post, I ended up reading the blog of a prominent journalist, and blog hopping from one blog to another. I ended up reading rather than writing. And I really want to just retire to my bed, but the innate need for me to know that I am not giving up on writing compels me to write, no matter how meaningful or how redundant my writings on nothing can be.

This is the problem with me. Or rather my expertise. I always manage to find the perfect excuse to escape having to complete a writing. Unfortunately I am afraid I would not be able to play escape artiste any longer for now I have no choice (or rather, it was my choice) but to meet Fear in her eyes and say " This is it". I am facing you. I will get rid of you. I will need to. Because I have to. Because I want to. And I will.

Coming to J-School is something I think I really want. Obviously, after all, journalism is what I am keen on doing. But exactly because I want to do it, I want to excel in it - I don't want to do it. I am afraid of the competition. I am afraid of the industry. I am afraid I do not have what it takes. I know my limits. And it is the knowledge that fuels my sense of worthlessness.

But this is why I am here right? To learn from the best, among the bright and most passionate aspiring journalists no?

If only I could feel like I am on par with the rest. Then perhaps I would be a little bit more optimistic about things.

**** this deserves an end. but i do not want to stop **** i feel a surge of misfits parcel of thoughts coming***

Being alone has allowed me more time for contemplation and self reflection. And from that, I realized that I have yet to fix my immediate goals and this leaves me... well, without an objective. And yes, this is how I function; I need a direct objective, a clear mission to work towards. For now, I am still outlining what I want to achieve during my years here in America. Until then, I would still be in this limbo.

Already I feel so apart from my friends and family. I know that we could definitely keep in touch but  it stops there. As much as we can and want and would share, our lives has undeniable diverged. I may not be erased from your lives, but I very much am no longer part of it due to the distance. You can say that I will always be in your mind, in your hearts, and trust me that I take great consolation in knowing that or thinking that my importance in your lives hasn't quite diminished. I certainly do not want to be just another page in your lives. As selfish as I may sound, I want to be in your conversations even when I am away because that is the only way I feel my presence would still have a significant value in your lives. And just as much as I want that, I want to want to talk about you guys to new found friends too. 

I suppose the bigger fear in me is that I will be the one who forgets. Apparently, I am master at being a complete ungrateful friend. Or that I am a natural at living as the sole actor of my own colorful world. I can do just that. Especially with a routine and I am already in a routine.

Inevitably, we will all change. What more in the duration of years! I do not know how I will turn out, I hope it is for the better. I don't want to forget home.

It is just crazy thinking how our lives now as friends, as family will now take a life on its own with each others absence. While the mere thought of me being absent or replaced pains me, I understand that this is life :) And should I mean as much as you mean to me; we will not grow apart in terms of relationship intimacy. Colors of our relationship may change, but the foundations of which they are built upon would remain the same. 

To be honest, I am not much of a fan on how my blog has turned out. It has become an avenue of writings that are wayyy too emotional. In very simplistic term; it has become an emo blog. ohmygod!! what's wrong with me!? lol. 

Well, I suppose it doesn't exactly paint a bright picture of my persona but perhaps this is because I can only write in such serious and somber mood to the extent of words taking a sometimes more mellow, more morbid tone. Over time, I assume that I will see a change in the manner of my expression as I am still learning how to express myself. I am still growing, and with that comes a sense of curiosity for what the future might bring.

I probably would regret penning down my thoughts now as I am still refusing to stop writing. Now I know that not many would follow my train of thoughts (not only because it is so scattered but because it serves no entertainment value whatsoever) but I know that at least one person would read this far. 

And that person would be me. 

I will review what I write as if I were reading the musings of another. This is how I learn about this other person I read about. This is how I capture and scrutinize her thought mechanism and decide whether or not she is sane or perhaps she is just a victim of excessive unnecessary overthinking.

I should perhaps stop now. Before I go on writing things I never intend others to know.