decided.

The flaw in having so many options in front of you, is that you would be spoiled, if not greedy for more, therefore removing all clarity that you once hold. The lack of choices, prepares or rather compels you to make the decision between the limited choices that you are presented with. You learn to accept your situation and come to terms with the inequality. You may live with the snare of "what IF(s)" but the decision would be an easier one due to helplessness.

But with the abundance of options, you may just end up tormenting yourself with the dilemma of making the "right", the "better" choice. To not lose out on the possible highest yield of the decisions that you make. The awareness of the "road not taken" would be higher than in the former situation do you not think?

Like any other human true to their projected being; I am never satisfied with what I have. But I am grateful with what I am blessed with. Wait. Now that does not make sense. How can I still be grateful with what I have yet unsatisfied and always wanting more? 

I say that I am grateful for everything. If so, then why is there this sense of tug in my heart silently asking the question "what if" and always envisioning the life of "if only"?

Is it because I do not even want that satisfaction to lend me that little room of complacency?

It was my decision to pursue Journalism (or try to pursue) in this school. I chose it over the better Universities, over the scholarships. Why? Because I thought it was worth sacrificing it for one of the best J-school in USA. Well, even writing that line, I cringe. I am trying to convince myself that I made the right decision, when I really know that I could have made a better decision. And my life would have taken a whole different route. A better direction ( that I am more convinced).

I do not know how long I will carry this sense of underlying regret and perpetuating doubt over my decision which basically turned the pages of this new life chapter of mine. And as I am coming into terms with my decision, for I am falling in love with the people, with the tradition, with the spirit of the Mizzou Tigers, I am crushed by the realization that the decision I made is still a risk. There is no guaranty that I would succeed.  No guaranty that I would achieve what I thought I could achieve. And that is awful. Especially when my happiness and selfish wants and needs for an ideal education is at the expense of the ones whom I love.

I feel horrible.

Why did I put myself in such a situation? What was I thinking putting myself in such a competitive environment? No. What was I thinking risking the happiness of others for mine?

Because I thought I deserved it? Because I think that I have the potential to do great things, and all I need is the right fuel to mobilize towards that height? (not true either, for I doubt that I actually have all that "potential") Why couldn't I just settle for second best? Rhetorical. Because I could have settled for second best, eventually. 

So why did I do it?

Simply because you believed in me. And you want the best for me. And for me, you are willing to sacrifice almost everything to see that I achieve what you think I am worthy.

I wish I could share your same vision and faith in my own capabilities. For that faith, is wavering under the constant self induced pressure. 

But the decision has been made. And you have supported me from step one and beyond. Even though it most probably will cost more for me to complete a dual degree, you are willing to provide me with that opportunity. Would your sacrifices be justified? I don't know. I really don't. I can't say it for you because not only because I am not you, I also do not have the maturity, the experience, the honor to hold the role that you are. 

But if I am a product of your teachings and life work, then I believe your sacrifices would be justified in exchange for my happiness and eternal gratitude to you. With my love for life and dedication in living life to the fullest, to continue to strive for the better. To see me happy, is all that you want.

And I am not giving you that if I continue to wallow in this pool of self-pity and self-doubt. 

I will get out of it. Slowly but surely.

And I will make sure that your tears, that your sweat, your sleepless nights, your worries, your heartaches are all justified.

Disappointing you is not an option. Making you proud is what I live for.

I love you, more than I say it. And I am grateful more than I am willing to let you know.