Ignorance and complacency would be the answer.

The beauty of not trying is that you will never find out.

It is a haven for those who fear knowing what the future could be should they have failed in doing/trying.

This fear, can be so overwhelming that it casts heavy dark shadows of doubt over yourself. The pervasive presence pushes you to the corner for the weak, for the coward. It pushes you to the comfort of ignorance.

I for one, am such a coward. And it is over something which I am apparently passionate about;journalism.

I know for a fact that my language and writing ability is lacking in great too many things. I know that I have much to learn and improve before I will be comfortable calling myself a journalism major. I suppose this is the reason why I do not write as much as I would want to, or should. As I fear the judgment. I do not want confirmation of my inadequate writing abilities.

Do I hate myself for not having the ability to express myself as fluidly as I wished? You bet.

Do I feel utterly defeated knowing that I do not possess comparable writing skills as many of my peers? YES.

Do I doubt myself on whether or not I have the potential to expand myself in my chosen career? Yes and in ways that cannot be imagined.

I am scared.

I am afraid.

It is indeed humbling to be know that I have been offered an opportunity to further my education in an institution that hallmarks on being the world's first journalism school and recognized as one of the best in US. But even so, I cannot deny that I painstakingly doubt my own capabilities.

Beyond the intimidation from the demanding nature of my choice of study and the competitive school I wish to attend, is the fear of not meeting with the school's standards. With MY standards. 

I am my worst critic. I do not compete with others as much as I compete with myself. This is how I've been pushing myself thus far in striving to achieve my goals. My criticism, my self-imposed expectations have always been my motivation to excel since I left college, however it is also this need to meet my own standards that would be the destruction of me.

I am afraid. 

I am scared.

Despite being a firm believer in humanistic values, it would still be ignorant of me to simply attribute one's success to personal qualities only and not acknowledge the significance of one's biological/genetic makeup. It would be even more ignorant of me to not put SES into consideration; that is the resources to mobilize your efforts towards your goal.

My concern now, is that I might not achieve my standards despite my efforts. Am I worried that my efforts would be wasted? Not quite. It is the realisation that I have to settle for mediocrity when mediocrity is all that I am left with. And mediocrity is not something I will tolerate for myself.

I wish to end this post with a positive note as to reassure myself that I will be alright. But I'd be only deceiving myself as the level of self esteem is still at its low.