I try.

I keep a diary.

Not the type where you go "Dear Diary," but the type which you would scribble tasks, appointments and what not. If you know me, you would know that I am unable to function without the help of my self-writen reminders (which mind you, I make sure is colorful to make my hectic schedule a little more cheerful to live by)

I am so accustomed to writing everything down that I have grown a little too dependent on the diary. Some of you say, I am organized. That I am systematic. That I am a perfectionist. And that I need a personal assistant. But really, I am but all those.

I try to be organized with color coded appointments and to-do lists. I try to be a perfectionist in all that I do. The more I look at my diary, the more I think of stuffs I can write in it, to make my life seem busy. To feel more important. To feel less useless.

As I have been doing for the past 4 years, I am still trying to cramp in a little too much in my life. I try to do so many things at one go. I keep myself so busy that I hardly have enough time for most of my friends. Not enough time for myself.

I don't ask myself why. Cuz I know why. And I don't really need somebody to tell me that I have issues to deal with.

Yes, I am perhaps still trying to keep my mind off certain things. But it has become more than that.

I want to stop feeling useless. I want to stop feeling insignificant. I don't want to remain a mediocre.

I want for you to be proud of me. So that I can feel less ashamed of who I am and my limited capabilities.

I may try to organize my life the way I organize my activities in that diary, but it is really spinning quite out of control. Nothing is organized. Nothing is done.

I wanted a break so badly last semester to find myself again. And so I did. I needed time, I needed space. I needed a break from a routine. But where is my time, now that I have taken the liberty to put my studies on hold?

I am taking one semester off to do something I think it is for myself, to find a purpose in my life again.

But here I am. again. back at square one.

When I was attending classes, I wanted to escape books and exams.  Now that I am home, I want to escape home. Not from my family - because trust me, what I truly want, is to be with my whole family once again.

Escape escape escape.

It's not uni. It's not home. It is reality that I want to escape from. I want to escape into a reality that is beyond the one which I live in now. Because what I truly want cannot be attained in this realm, at this point of time.

I want it so badly that it leaves my heart aching so so much.

See how pathetic I am? See how one diary could reveal so many pathetic layers of mine?

Will I be able to escape? Will I be able to get what I want?

As pathetic and as bleak things are to me, I trust, I believe, yes I will escape.

And I will get my answer. I will be whole again. All I need to do; is find it. And I will find it here - in myself.