BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Moving to

http://ofvowelsandconsonants.tumblr.com/

See you there! <3

Inked. Etched. Expressed.

Every now and then, I will write to my Daddy. Of course, these are nonreciprocated written letters. But they are nonetheless therapeutic as it is renders the illusion of a conversation. When you think about it, it is pretty intriguing how reality is but a self-conception of what is perceived as true and real. And personally, what is real, what is true, is what I FEEL are right and true. 

And at this point of time; I feel that  the dream I had this morning of you could be a real attempt of you trying to tell me that everything will be alright, and that you are still here and well, to remind me that today is Father's Day. Obviously, I could be reading too much into this, and it could be but an extrapolation and self deceit; but really? Does it matter, if feeling this way actually provides me with some consolation and comfort in your physical absence?

And as usual, every time I write to him, it places me in a position of retrospective introspection. This time, it brought me to a little over 2 years ago. After over a year since we last saw each other; I was fearful. I was afraid that I would forget. It might sound ridiculous to be forgetting somebody who has been a part of the past 16 years of your life. But in great physical distance, past memories are the only thing you might hold on to. And human memory is flawed; memories WILL fade like it or not, especially in absence of physical items that have the ability to reignite quiet memories. I was not afraid that I will forget his looks; I have photos to remind me of that. I was afraid that I will forget his cologne scent, the warmth of his embrace, the sound of his voice. Most of all, I was afraid that I will forget that I am his little gurl. That I am always loved. That we were the center of his world. I was afraid that I will forget that at one point of my life, there were people who loved me regardless of my flaws, that poured their heart and soul into raising me and making the best individual that I could be. I was afraid that I will forget the advice he gave me, the teachings he taught me, the values he instilled in me. I was afraid that I would forget who I am; in times of lost and despair, grief and darkness, this is a valid fear.

Small Sorority, Big Sisterhood.

Conference has been a very interesting eye opening experience to say the very least. 

I truly appreciated the experience and am glad that the Active house got to experience it first hand. We definitely feel more informed and would be better prepared for next conference. Most importantly, we are more motivated to strive harder to continue reestablishing our presence on campus, and going above and beyond our goals and expectations as Eta Chapter. 

Business aside, what really struck a chord in my heart during conference was just seeing how passion driven people are. As I was sitting in the conference room with my line sisters by my side, and searching for familiar faces in the room, and as my eyes scanned throught the people sitting at the front (National Board members); I thought to myself.. wow. These ladies here; some drove for many many hours, many flew from coast to coast, just to be here today to honor what our Founders has set 17 years ago. It was especially humbling to see how passion driven these ladies are. Not only are they not receiving any monetary payments of any sort, in fact, having to fork out money to be here today; being in the sorority definitely requires a lot of sacrifices but money is the least of any of our sacrifices; it is the time and effort put into embracing and living up to the title of Ladies of Alpha Phi Gamma, and striving to better our sorority all the time. We may be from different chapters, but we have a common bond; our Sisterhood solidified through our experience. Our shared passion for what our letters stand for. These ladies are paid in terms of intrinsic rewards; the satisfaction from wanting to serve and give back to something that has impacted their lives positively. This, you know is genuine. And just to know, how much of an impact APhiG has on girls across the nation, truly humbles me. 

Yes, there is no doubt that every chapter has its own set of unique challenges and experiences, but to know that we have these experience as a result of one common thing; APhiG - that is what this is all about; solidarity within diversity, bracing through adversity for something that we have grown to love and care about. :)  Seeing people finding passion in something, not only through the sorority, but with any other organization/ endeavour in life NEVER fails to put a smile on my face. It is the sense of belonging and the sense of purpose found through such endeavours that warms my heart :) 

Confessions.

I wish I could believe you when you tell me that I am beautiful.

But when I look into the mirror, I see not beauty. All I see is failure, disappointment and hurt. How did I let myself slip and become this way? Looking at myself is a reminder of my pains, and my failure at coping with my hurt. At my vulnerability, my weakness, my lack of self control. I have been avoiding looking at mirrors since I came here. I do not like what I see. And you know what's funny and silly? I dislike it so much, I prefer not to have my contacts in because I'll see it all the better, which just adds to my loathe and despair in my heart. Pathetic I know. 

I truly believe that your external appearance is a projection of your inner beauty. It doesn't matter how you look on the outside, but if you are at peace and happy inside, it will shine in your eyes and smile. There will be a spring in your walk, a light in your eyes and an unspoken but heartfelt beauty.It the type of content and love you have for yourself that when you look in the mirror, you can truly smile and NOT be upset in anyways.

I long for a day that I will be able to do so. To just be happy with the way I am. But for now it is still a struggle. Not only the way I look, but the way I feel about myself.

Learning to forgive yourself is a long journey. Learning to love yourself is a never ending one. Learning to live with the consequences of your decisions.. That's a tough one.

Alpha Phi Gamma Sorority Inc. Eta Chapter - It's not a struggle, it's a fight.

Mizzou has a really strong and long standing of Greek Life. Being the oldest and largest Greek system in the USA, we pride in having 28 IFC chapters, more than half of PHA with 14 chapters and that all Divine 9 chapters have chartered at MU as part of NPHC. Unfortunately, we only have 2 multicultural chapters as part of MGC. 

To understand the stark difference in MGC size compared to the other Councils, we must first understand the diversity of MU and perhaps Missouri in general. 

With close to 80% white/European American/non Hispanic students; MU is a predominantly white university with black/African American students coming in as the second largest racial group with a little over 6% of its students population. Combined, the Hispanic/Latino and Asian population make up less than 5% of the student population. Similar propotion can be projected for the entire population of Missouri; 81% white, 11.6% black,3.6% Hispanic/Latino and 1.6% Asian.

With that, it is no surprise that Alpha Phi Gamma is not only the sole Asian-interest sorority at MU but also the only Asian-interest Greek chapter at MU and the rest of Missouri. In other words, APhiG is the ONLY Asian representation in Greek Life at MU and perhaps the rest of Missouri. 

As a sorority that is selectively small in size and relatively young at MU (re-chartered in 2006), it has been a challenge trying to be taken seriously by the MU community as an Asian/multicultural sorority. Needless to say, as one half of the Multicultural Greek Council aside SAEPi, the Jewish sorority; it has been difficult trying to gain a strong presence in Greek Life itself. 

"Workers of the world, unite!" - History in the making

Some say that it is history in the making. It is such a powerful video with a very moving content. Having studied Marx in class, I sometimes still find it hard to wrap my mind around how true his words rang even to this day..

I followed the Tunisia revolt more than I am following the Egyptian revolution but seeing the chain of events - the domino effects triggered by a desperate young man who set himself on fire as a result of an oppressive government, one quote from Marx keeps coming into mind.. 

“The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles”

As an Arabic country, Tunisia is hailed as a “moderate” and “progressive” nation by the Western world but this stature did not come without a price. In exchange for "modernity" and "progress", a majority of the people was forsaken. The nation suffered great social inequality; regional disparity in distribution of wealth, perverse unemployment rate especially among youths and limited freedom in the form of political oppression. Desperate and frustrated by wealth and power being concentrated in the hands of the few, the people revolted as predicted by Marx. The struggle among the proletariats will eventually lead to a revolution to oust the bourgeoisie. 

To myself.

You now what hurts more than failure? The fact that you vow to learn from it, but find yourself making the same mistake again. 

You think that going through a painful experience several times would have opened your eyes and taught you to be smarter and less naive, but when situations come, then you see yourself walking down the same dreadful path. And it is so hard to leave. 

Especially when it comes to the matter of the heart. 

It is the kind of disappointment that makes you wish that love did not exist. The kind of hurt that makes you want to hide behind a fortress so thick to barricade yourself from potential lovers. The kind of pain that kills the trust and faith you have in people, in love. 

I am the kind of girl who believe in love at first sight, who would not get into a relationship unless I knew he were the one I'd spent my entire life with, I believe in the sacredness of a holy matrimony, I believe in loving a person for their soul beyond their looks, I truly believe that there is such a thing as a soul mate.

I saved my first kiss, my first "I love you", my first heartbreak and I am still saving myself for the one. 

But after my first relationship, my last relationship, I learned that the one isn't always the one at first try. 

What we had was beautiful. We learned so much from each other. He taught me to love unconditionally and made me realize that while love is essential, it is not the only foundation to a relationship. Our relationship was filled with laughter, tears, hope and love. So much so that just the thought of being apart killed us inside. We've parted ways for about two years now and I still think of us occasionally. Not because I miss him or that I am still in love with him, but because what I learned from our relationship was so profound, it was life changing. 

so soothing and heartbreaking at the same time.

two most debilitating words in my life right now.

"If only."

 

Out of sight but never out of mind.

Dear Daddy,

Today is your 5th anniversary. I helped cooked like how I used to, I ate like how I always did, I baked like how I always wanted to, and I watched your favorite movie, just without you.

There hasn't been a day that gone by that I do not think of you, that I do not wish to for us to be together.

I hope I dream of you tonight.

I miss you and I love you Daddy. :)

xxx,

Vee.

My Perfect Sunday

The food. The table. The smiles. The chit chats. The love. The family :) 

I miss having family dinners with the family. Daddy cooks, mummy preps the house, the kids help out, the family laughs.

That is when the house is our home.

Appreciate and be grateful for the love and the family time that you share.

 It is irreplaceable.

 It is something I miss more than anything else in the world.

Have a Merry Christmas guys.

An AmeriMalaysian Tale

Coming to America was definitely an ambivalent decision and a journey paved on mixed emotions. Settling in was more challenging than I expected it to be, and it was in those gloomy times that I doubted my decision more than ever. But like what most of you have told me, it's only a matter of time that I will get used to things, and be okay again.

Well, you guys are right. 

Sure it took a lot of courage to face a depleting bank account, to bite your tongue and hold back your tears listening to a voice that is so soothing yet heartbreaking at the same time because it is a voice worn out with exhaustion but strong in her words and conviction. You feel so embarrassed ranting about petty problems, you feel your face grow hot, flushed red as she calm you down with wise words.. then you think to yourself, above all these hardships, she still is a level above the mess. But you see, she doesn't see it as a mess, nor does she view it as hardships. To her, it is merely life challenges. The salt to the sugar of life. That's when you smile and wipe your tears with a sense of gratitude in your heart for such an amazing mother. 

It has been quite a journey (albeit it only being 4 months!) beginning with a rocky shaky start but now I can proudly say, that I have found my footing in this not so new, not as strange land! Gotten used to the education culture, to the speech pattern (omg. like you would not believe the lingo I've procured!), eating culture (cheese, pizzas, burgers, nachos, the ridiculous gargantuan size! urggggggggggghhhhhhhh. I'm such a fatty now), kinda know my way around (and by that, I mean from my apartment to campus ONLY) but the highlight of this semester; the highlight of me being in America is APhiG. 

That's right. I pledged for a sorority and I am now a proud Sister of Alpha Phi Gamma. It's the best decision ever.

wishful thinking.

Revisiting our memories through photographs reawakens the haunting grief that echoes in this hollow heart of mine.

Oh how I long to see you again, 

to feel the warmth of your smile, 

the touch of your hand that reaches to my heart, 

the smell of your cologne that makes my heart skip a beat every now and then 

and the sound of your affectionate voice that soothes my soul.

Nay.

How I long to just believe that you never really left.

"We are alone in this dark world, but less so when together."

- image and caption by Daniel B. Neill

((photograph edited by Vineeta; colors modified)

baby steps.

One step at a time.

I'll get there.

Photography by Laura Fulmer.

call it by any other name, it still refers to the same entity.

Religion to unite.

Religion, the greatest divide.

The solution is not lost even in time of chaos & darkness.
Probably more illuminated even.

Say it.

Is it unusual that I am feeling rather ambivalent about being here?

I am doing what I love; learning and about areas of which I'm passionate about; Journalism, Social Sciences and to top it all off; I am so blessed to be in the presence of really lovely people. From my flat mates, to the international students and Malaysians (!!) I've met thus far. Settling in was made so much easier because of them. But adapting to the American culture requires a different narrative.

I really really do not want to sound ungrateful by illustrating a picture tinted by despair. Because I am anything but ungrateful, anything but in despair. I am just ambivalent. I am grateful and glad to be here. I do miss home but my heart doesn't desperately long to be there physically. I just think of home a lot. I like it here, but at the same time, realized how different the educational environment and social culture here is. By  no means is it a negative thing, I just need more time to adjust to this new context.

Which brings me to the issue which has been my inner demon; my social ineptness.

Back home, it was difficult enough for me to integrate myself into social circles as I am impaired when it comes to emotional expression and a complete failure in conversation maintenance. I do not make friends easily as I want to be and I am not as pleasant superficially as I should be. And this flaw is further magnified in a society which vocal expression is highly valued. What is worse, is that my guard is even higher here in this new place which altogether make it even more difficult for me to express myself. This is my flaw. Being brought up in an relatively conservative Asian society which supposedly value introversion more should not be an excuse for my dysfunction. Because if it so, then how am I to explain my fellow Asian/Malaysian/International peers who are let it be natural, or learned social butterflies? I am just complacent and overly self aware. And it is detestful. Too many a times, after a social encounter; I smack myself in the head (figuratively) for not asking or saying what I should have or wanted to know! I am just that bad. I probably score a D for interpersonal communication in practice.

One of the things that I have learned from a fellow Malaysian (whom is an absolute darling) is that being here or in any other new social setting; we have to learn to go all out. Be that bigger person and make that first effort. Take that first step in getting to know somebody. Go all out, and voice your opinions in class and never let self-ridicule be the barrier.

Those words are familiar to me as I tell myself that and the logic is comprehensible however they resonate more when told by another. I suppose having somebody else share the same notion reaffirms your stance and therefore making it more profound.

But it will take time for me to fully embrace and practice it. 

Being here, compels me to this steep learning curve. I have much to learn. And it is more than just learning how to adapt myself to this different culture. It is about learning how to be more confident in myself. It is about learning how to love myself more. How sometimes, being so hard on myself is more detrimental than helpful. 

So am I happy here? Well, not yet. 

Am I sad? No.
I am waiting. No, I am trying.
And I will succeed in being happy.

It is a certain hollowness that haunts me. But it will soon be filled with colorful pictures and I will be able to smile from inside my heart and tell you; that I am truly happy and I have found my purpose - that I have grown.