Time is all I have. NOT.

I find it funny that when one were to wait for you, they'd say "Take your time."
when really, I am taking THEIR time.

Or how when people give you time to think or do something.
If you were to give me time, wouldn't I have more than the 24 hours a day that I already have? (should I live another day)

What about "I will make time for you"?
If only it was possible.

If time could be made, I'll add another 20 hours in a day.
Then more time for me to deal with the seemingly never ending work load.


Time.

So funny lah.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Shouldering silent burdens.

Invisible mental obstructions baricade the soul from the world.

The emotional pressure presses down the grief-stricken spirit. 

The smile..? the smile retreats back to its cold familiar abyss of darkness within the walls of unspoken memories.

Chin up. Eyes open. Windows closed. Mask on.

________________________________________________________________

I need a break.

I need to focus.

I need to set my life straight again.

I need to find my footing again.

I need a break.

I want quits.



*updated.

I need a REASON.

we just do.

Sometimes, we find ourselves asking questions like:

How can I fall in love with a liar?

How can I fall in love with a cheater?

How can I love somebody who doesn't love me back?

How can I continue to love somebody who doesn't appreciate me?

Oh. But we can. We can fall in love with people of such.
Because love makes you do the craziest things.
Because we cannot exactly, entirely control who we fall in love with.
Because love knows no flaws, love bears no judgments.


The question we should be asking then, is what are we going to do now that we've fallen so deep?

-ism.

"As often has Herman had witnessed the slaughter of animals and fish, he always had the same thought: In their behavior toward creatures, all men were Nazis. The smugness with which man could do with other species as he pleased exemplify the most extreme racist theories the principle that might is right."

- Issac Singer (1904-1991), Enemies, A Love Story

What started out as a test of mental discipline, turned into a conviction after watching a feature length documentary by Joaquin Phoenix about the interdependent relationships of us humans, with animals and nature. It is Earthlings.

I tried watching Earthlings again. And as before, I cringed and I paused the video several times including several 15minutes intervals (several times X 100!) before being able to continue watching it, even after watching it once before. It is too much for me to handle. I shut my eyes, turned away too little too often watching it. And yes, I cried. Those who read my previous blog, would probably read my post on this topic before, and here I am, for the second time sharing it with you guys. Hopefully, it'll enlighten you as how it did for me.

But watch it on your own discretion, for the content is indeed very graphic.

Part One : INTRODUCTION



Part two : PETS




Part three: FOOD




Part four : FOOD/CLOTHES




Part five : CLOTHES/ENTERTAINMENT




Part six : ENTERTAINMENT




Part seven : ENTERTAINMENT





Part eight : ENTERTAINMENT/SCIENCE




Part nine : SCIENCE/CLOSING




Part ten : CLOSING/CREDITS

Now, posting this documentary is not meant to dissuade you from eating meat or to pick up a broccoli and throw it at the next person eating a steak. I believe that most, if not everybody who watched even a segment of this documentary could at least agree, it is somewhat inhumane (although perhaps necessary) and just because I'm vegetarian, it does NOT mean that I deem myself holier than thou. It was my choice, as it is your choice to practise whatever diet or lifestyle of your preference, and I respect that. But I draw the line at eating exotic animals prepared "exotically" just for the "kicks" of it. Yes, I glare in disdain at these "adventure" seeking individuals.

To be fair, it is with most certainty that this documentary (or any video about the slaughter, torture or suffering of other living beings) will evoke powerful empathetic emotions (save you are mentally disturbed and devoid of the ability of empathy and compassion. In other words, you're a psychopath) however it must also be understood that in this ridiculously fast-pace, ever-growing demand market society we live in, what we saw in the video is almost unavoidable.

Now, before you throw carrots at me and calling me a hypocrite for actually showing somewhat of an allowance to such atrocity, please. Let me explain. Or try, for I myself sometimes find myself in between contradicting thoughts hindering me from taking a firm stand on this.

Eating meat for example. Of course there is a need to kill cows, pigs, chickens, dogs, dolphins if you want to have your burger, steak, kfc, hot dog and dolphin sukiyaki style. Where else do you think your meat comes from? As much as we probably hoped, no, they do not magically skipped the process of being killed before appearing to us readily, and much to our convenience without the gore on supermarkets display.

And for the animals to be confined in a relatively small area, well, with the lack of space and the dire need to meet the demand of our growing population, how else should it be done? Today, everything needs to be mass produced; clothes, toys, cars, and even food. And this is how it works as we face trade-offs in making everyday decisions. There are more mouths to feed today than 6 decades ago. Therefore, the need for more beef, pork, poultry and the likes. And in order to produced so much more in a shorter time, we need to produce through large scale CAFO (Confinement Animal Feeding Operations). I suppose it is necessary, in terms of economic gains, resource efficiency and what not. I think.

So while I cannot stand looking at animals getting slaughtered, I suppose I could understand the need for it. But what repulses me, what I abhor, is when we take joy in inflicting pain on these helpless living beings that we render weaker and at our mercy!

Honestly, I think that the system understands that animals do feel too, they do feel pain because they are living beings too, therefore, should we need to kill them, do it in the least painful and fastest way possible. However, I suppose due to ignorance, laziness, greed, sloppiness and even lack of compassion, some people just couldn't care less to adhere to rules that were set. And that I cannot swallow.

I suppose, a few of us would turn our heads away when it comes to talking about how animals are slaughtered. Perhaps it's a sensitive subject matter as it involves gruesome killing. And well, we wouldn't want to ruin our appetite, no? But for the food which we generally, often take for granted, we need to know where and how it came to be our meal. I don't think that we should plead ignorance any longer. Not only when it comes to speciesm, but in all aspects in life.

It is late.

And I am going to stop here for now (even though I only touched mostly on one fragment; eating/food)

Pets, clothes, entertainment, science, I'll cover another day. When I muster enough courage to finish watching Earthlings. And to do sufficient research.

Good night.

aren't we all.

Words.
Just strings of letters, brought to life by blocks of sounds.

Speak it with passion,
it becomes conviction.

Speak it with sincerity,
it becomes praise.

Speak it with anger,
it becomes insult.

Speak it with sincerity, tinged with hope, and sealed with an expectation from another,
it becomes a promise.

Speak it without sincerity, tinged with hope, and sealed with an expectation from another but reeking in false pretense of a promise,
it becomes a lie.


And you are a master of deception.

Building somebody up with sweet promises and tearing it down with stinging lies.

But, they are all words, no?
Until you add to them a little bit of you.

pop 'em like how House pops Vicodin.

My current addiction.

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Kuih Bahulu!

I already had 10 in the past half an hour!

And for nostalgia sakes, these were my previous addictions.

 

 

*Upload fail : Too many images*

Okay, and I may have lied a little. They may still be my addictions.

looking out, at closed windows, in a dark room.

God. The rythimic raindrops sings a tune that dances in my mind.

It's surprising how light the air feels despite the heaviness that presses down against me,

Even as it wraps around me, Air's icy fingers send chills down my spine,

Oh! If only it could lift the heaviness in my heart!

So chilly.. How I long for your touch to warm this frigid exterior of mine.

I want to melt in your embrace again.

I want to feel whole again.

But all I have now, is the heat of the tears that roll down this cheek of mine.

And as I curl under the safety of my comforter,

I wish that this rain will never stop.

And I will never wake again from my sleep,

Because there is where we meet, in my dreams.

BURT

every now and then,


some things will trigger a certain repressed memory.


today as usual, was one word inked on somebody' wrist.

"God is Love" (1 John 4:8)

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman, you are absolutely right.

Because I felt that way when I was in love. It twisted my insides out. It left me open to a stranger. The vulnerability, the insecurity, dragged me down to my knees. It left me afraid and lost.

 

But, it was also one of the most magical and uplifting moments in my life. I had somebody who could reach into my heart by just looking into my eyes. I could feel safe in his warm embrace. An embrace which melted the defenses I built for years. I could finally share who I really am, without the fear of being judged. I had somebody who accepted me for who I really was. Better yet, not only accept my flaws, but saw it as something beautiful. Cliche, no? But I think the most cliche statements, are often true and well, honest.

I loved who I was when I was with the person whom I loved. I love how he made me feel. I love how I found myself.

But personally, I think the best part about being in love was what it taught me. I learnt how to love unconditionally. I learnt to be acceptive of things, not only tolerant. I learnt to be more giving. I learnt to be more understanding. I learnt so much about myself than I ever did before I found love. I learnt that there was more to life. 

I had a purpose. Life had a meaning. And that was to continue embracing love, and to love others.

Vulnerable? Of course. It is a price to pay for sharing yourself with others. It is the risk you need to take in exchange for that magical feeling. The one that makes you smile silly over the silliest thing. The one that fulfils the inner gap in you. The one that makes you believe that "Hey, life is beautiful."

 

And life is about choices. Life is about making choices. And with choices, comes risk. We risk something when we choose a certain option and from the other options we did not choose. (Opportunity cost? : ) ) So, if we choose to be happy, we need to forgo our negative thoughts. We probably need to change the way we think. Same, if we choose to stay within the lonely comfort of these walls we built within us, we risk not feeling love, and perhaps not being happy.

Of course, we can choose to live a life, devoid of love. It'll be exactly just that, in the strictest biological sense. We breathe, eat, sleep, move, living every hour till the very last minute of the very last breath drawn.; feeling almost nothing. Devoid from love and any other emotions/feelings. So as long as I don't feel this pain, I don't mind not feeling happiness anymore. It's mechanical. It's purposeless. Because we fear of getting hurt, we shield ourselves from things like love.  We stop taking chances. It's amazing how far we would go just to run away from pain. Including, forgoing to live life where we have a reason to wake up in the morning, where we breathe in sweet life, and let the warm wind flirt with our cheeks, as the sunshine kisses our forehead and when the raindrops cloak us in loving embrace. Live life as if there is this great amount of colors waiting to burst out from you, whereby there is a happy skippy-springy momentum with every step you take and that your smile.. when your smile actually externalize the bliss in your heart. 

If love is a "soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain", love is also bliss. A true bliss, the one that makes everything seem worthwhile. It is the reason why we're here. 

But anyways, love isn't the pain. Love does not throw you into the abyss of darkness. The lover does. The rejection. The deceit. Not love.

 

And even though, the lover may not be forever, but Love is eternal.

 

Because love is all-encompassing.

Love is patient.

Love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails.

- Corinthians 13:1-13

 

 

And the more I think about it, the more I realized that the "dragging to my knees", the teachings, the fulfilment that I was fortunate enough to experience being in love? Was not  actually, entirely, because of love. But it was because of the lover. Whom I was receptive of, because of love. Love came with him. He brought love with him. He was my teacher for that period in my life. And even though, we have come to our separate ways, it does not mean we stopped loving each other. It doesn't mean that because we do not end up in holy matrimony and in a fairy-tale-like eternal happy ending, that our love has failed. Because it did not. It served its purpose. Because in the end, it made us better beings. It helped shape our maturity to face the world and to prepare us for our next true love. Just because we are not involved romantically anymore, it does not mean, what we had was fake. Because I know for a fact that he was my first true love. And I am so ever thankful for that.

In the end, we learnt what we were meant to learn. And the love we shared was a bonus that came with the lessons.

 

 

So despite it all, despite how you may think love or the lover could make you feel, could "hold you hostage" and rob you of who you are, I think, that love actually helps you discover who you really are. And at this point, I mean it as love with your lover, with your parents, with  your friends, with God.

 

 

So Mr. Gaiman, here is where I differ from you. Because I love LOVE.

self worth.

One of the most debilitating questions you can ever ask yourself.









"What am I to you?"